Sympathy Pain

If you have read this site before, you know I have a 7 year old. He is every bit “my son”, and I love him with all my heart. Sarah and I are very lucky that we have had no complications with Tony. Jack was the third attempt at a child for my ex-wife and myself.

When we first got pregnant, the ex- and I were living and working in Atlanta. She for an OB/GYN and myself for The Alliance Theatre. We were in a very “routine” relationship, and I really hoped having a baby would bring back the woman I thought I had married. I also really wanted a child, so it wasn’t just about saving the marriage.

In those day, blogs didn’t really exist, but I wanted to do a father web site. I had a Geocities page…old school baby…and wanted to make a running diary of the pregnancy…I wrote a few entries, but she found out and hated the idea. Refused to let me continue.

We then had a miscarriage…I say we… There is nothing like going to see the ultrasound of little “wejibo” and having the ultrasound tech pause…it’s a sickening quietness…and say, “I need to get John” (our doctor and the ex’s boss. )

“There’s no heartbeat. I’m so sorry.”

What do you do? It happens right? That’s what all the stats say, 1 outta 4 or 5…something crazy like that. Most women don’t even know they are pregnant when it happens…but we did.

“We’ll need to do a DNC this afternoon, we can schedule it before you go.”

What the hell is happening? Everyone is so clinical. Even the ex…until later. It killed us. To me, it seemed like I was watching all hope of getting the person I thought I married back die.

It happened again. I even thought I had something to do with it. I had driven back from a Arts Camp I taught at in North Georgia, “Firespark“,with a theatrical curtain in the back of pickup…It rained on the drop…alot. The ex was about 10 weeks pregnant, and watched me hang this 40 foot by 30 foot curtain in the theatre. I could smell the chemicals they used to fire proof the fabric coming out of the curtain…a few days later she miscarried. I felt the chemical did it…I felt like shit.

Jack was and is my miracle. I know some couple try for years and go through horrible times trying to conceive, so only having to experience it twice is a strange blessing. However, I still saw him as a miracle. The thing to bring my wife back…it didn’t happen that way, mostly because she was never the person I thought she had been.(That’s another post)

So, I write now. In the beginning I just knew we would have the same problem, a miscarriage. I didn’t think it was supposed to be as easy as it has been…knock on wood. I didn’t want to tell anyone, but i needed to put down my thoughts. I needed to seven years ago, I still do. I needed to have people, even those I don’t know, say…”I understand”or”I’m happy for you” or even”I feel your pain”.

That’s why I write. To remember. To sort things out. And maybe, to help someone else.

miscarriage

miscarriage