Sympathy Pain

Here’s one of my e-mail updates…good info.

Ten surprises of new fatherhood
Reviewed by the BabyCenter Medical Advisory Board

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At some point not long after the baby is born, just about every new father gets hit with a sharp jolt of reality: He’s a dad — with new responsibilities, new pressures, and new expectations to live up to. This seemingly basic epiphany comes early for some of us, before we leave the hospital. For others, reality may not set in for a few days. Sooner or later, though, we all come to realize that our lives have changed forever. Sometimes the changes are subtle, sometimes not so subtle. But they’re almost always surprising.

1. Confusion
Conflicting emotions set the first few months of fatherhood apart from the next few years. On the one hand is the sense of virility, power, and pride at having created a new life. On the other are the feelings of helplessness when you can’t satisfy (or sometimes even understand) your baby’s needs.

2. A new and different kind of love
There’s no comparing the all-consuming love you have for your child with your love for any other person. Maurice Sendak captured the feeling in a scene from “Where the Wild Things Are” in which the monsters plead with Max not to leave them: “Please don’t go,” they say. “We’ll eat you up we love you so.”

3. Ambivalence
One day you look at your baby and realize that the intense passion you felt just the day before has been replaced by a numb, hollow feeling. Do you know this child? Do you care? You’ll feel like bagging this whole dad thing and starting a new life somewhere else. Chances are the very next thing you’ll feel is incredible guilt. After all, if you aren’t head over heels in love with your child 100 percent of the time, you’re not a good father, right? Wrong. Ambivalence is a normal part of being a dad, and you’re going to have the same feeling dozens of times over the next 50 years. So get used to it.

4. Depression
Though most people think postpartum blues are a women’s thing, plenty of guys get depressed after their babies are born. Unlike our partner’s, our blues aren’t hormonally based, but may have more to do with returning to reality. When you were an expectant and brand-new dad, people paid more attention to you and probably cut you a little slack. But after a few weeks you may be back to the grind at work, plus you’ve got to deal with sleep interruptions and new responsibilities at home.

5. Fear
The first few months of fatherhood are fraught with fears: that you won’t be able to live up to your expectations of what it means to be a father, that you might not be able to protect your child or your family from harm, that you won’t be able to adequately provide for your family, that you don’t know what to do with your child, that you’ll be too much — or not enough — like your own father, that you’ve made a horrible mistake. These fears and many others are a normal part of making the transition from man and husband to father.

6. Relationship with your partner
Before you became parents, you and your partner spent a lot of time together, nurturing each other and making your relationship stronger. But once a baby shows up, everything changes: Now the focus of just about everything you do is your baby. You barely have time to sleep, let alone do the things that brought you and your partner together in the first place. If at all possible, try to carve out some time, even if it’s only a few minutes a day, to spend talking with your partner — about something other than the baby.

7. Interacting with your baby
For the first six to eight weeks of life, your baby probably won’t give you much feedback about how you’re doing as a father: few smiles, no laughs, not much response at all. In fact, just about all he’ll do is cry. It’s easy to take his “opinions” a little too seriously, to interpret his lack of enthusiasm as some kind of referendum on your fitness as a dad. Don’t. If you back off, your baby will too. So hang in there a little longer — it’ll be worth the wait.

8. Topics of conversation
If someone had told you a year ago that you’d willingly participate in long discussions with your friends about projectile vomiting, leaky breasts, episiotomies, and the color and consistency of the contents of a diaper, you’d have laughed yourself silly. But you’re doing it, right? And you’re loving it.

9. The logistics of parenting
Before you became a parent, getting ready to leave the house meant grabbing your wallet and car keys and making sure the oven was off. Now going on a trip to the grocery store with your baby in tow takes as much planning as an expedition to Mount Everest. And just when you think you’ve got everything under control, your baby fills her diaper as you’re walking out the door.

10. Lessons in love
While you’re learning to understand your baby’s cues and meet his needs, he is gaining the physical coordination to express his love for you in the most amazing ways. The first time he coos at you or hugs you or falls asleep on your chest absentmindedly stroking your shoulder, you’ll discover the true meaning of life.