Separation Anxiety
by Bryan Comer
Well, it has happened. I noticed Tony not wanting to go to the day care worker as readily as he used to. Then Sarah had her drop off woes yesterday, with tears and lunging, and then it happened to me today. So I read up alittle, and other than the timing of the day care switch…which had to happen…we seem to be doing things correctly. Here are a few steps from “Kids Health” to follow to help alleviate this stage.
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Timing is everything. Try not to start day care or child care with an unfamiliar person when your little one is between the ages of 8 months and 1 year, when separation anxiety is first likely to appear. Also, try not to leave when your child is likely to be tired, hungry, or restless. If at all possible, schedule your departures for after naps and mealtimes.
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Practice. Practice being apart from each other, and introduce new people and places gradually. If you’re planning to leave your child with a relative or a new babysitter, then invite that person over in advance so they can spend time together while you’re in the room. If your child is starting at a new day care center or preschool, make a few visits there together before a full-time schedule begins. Practice leaving your child with a caregiver for short periods of time so that he or she can get used to being away from you.
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Be calm and consistent. Create a exit ritual during which you say a pleasant, loving, and firm goodbye. Stay calm and show confidence in your child. Reassure him or her that you’ll be back — and explain how long it will be until you return using concepts kids will understand (such as after lunch) because your child can’t yet understand time. Give him or her your full attention when you say goodbye, and when you say you’re leaving, mean it; coming back will only make things worse.
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Follow through on promises. It’s important to make sure that you return when you have promised to. This is critical — this is how your child will develop the confidence that he or she can make it through the time apart.
Remember it’s just a stage. A sucky one, but a stage none the less. Anyone have any suggestions to add?
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November 11th, 2008 at 5:38 pm
This is great advice on a very real issue, one that makes me very sad each time I see that anxiety kick in with my younger son. (The older one has absolutely no separation anxiety and never did). I think the difference between the two boys was that Boy A had mum home with him for the first 6 months of his life (as much as my wife hated being the SAHM) and then started going to work with her - she was lucky enough to be able to do that - whereas son B went to daycare from about 4 months a couple of days a week with strangers. Son A also got “passed around” people we trusted in our church a lot (there were a LOT of people we didn’t!) from day one so he was open to new people and being on his own, still is. Younger son didn’t have that happen as much. One more piece that may fit: Dad (aka Me) wasn’t around much in Son B’s life in the first year - working 80-100 hour weeks - part of the reason I’m trying to back other fathers and myself so much these days). Son A had loads of time with both parents.
Another thing that kids crave is predictability (referred to in the advice above under “followthrough”). Routines and rythms let kids know all is well, what comes next, and that parents will come back for them again.
Last piece of advice. If the kid is going to scream, he’ll scream longer if he knows it makes you guilty. When you drop them off, kiss them cuddle them reassure them then walk away, get in the car and go to work.
November 21st, 2008 at 9:33 am
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