Missing a step
Sarah’s at rehearsal tonight. “Annie”…no she not playing Annie, even though she has the redhead thing happening. But tech week for a show means Tony and I have the house to ourselves. We had a great evening, with a trip to Home Depot and McDonalds…sorry honey…and watching “Avatar”…I’m addicted.
I put him down at the regular time…watched some more “Avatar” and started to go to bed myself.
I stopped by his room for one last stroke of his hair…then it hit me. Something was missing…and it wasn’t one of those “I can’t put my finger on it” moments. I knew.
This was supposed to be a Jack weekend. But his Step Father wanted to take him camping. It was going to happen last week, but the step dad had to have a chunk of 
Brown Recluse bite taken outta his leg. So I said OK. Jack was excited.
But, tonight, when that moment hit, it took me down the hall to Jack’s room. It’s so cold and empty when he’s not here. Sometimes it’s less…palpable. Sometimes, like tonight, it hit me in the chest.
I remembered back to right after the separation. Jack was about 2 years older than Tony is now. I lived in a small 2 bedroom house. I refused to go back to an apartment. If his mom had a house, so would his dad. Divorce logic. He would sleep with me when he came over. I wouldn’t sleep. Just watch him. I had twin sized fitted sheets over the windows as curtains. They let a lot of light in. I wondered if he would be ok with the separation…divorce…not seeing me for days on end. I really wondered if he would ever trust me…divorce logic.
So I missed tucking him in tonight. It may seem like a small occurrence, but there are times when it is the small stuff that that kicks you square in the teeth.
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