Jekyll and Hyde
Since the beginning of time, kids tune into which parent plays what roles and prey on that. Who will say yes to ice cream? Who will say yes to a sleep over? Who will say yes to a week in Amsterdam at an opium din? It happens. I did it. I watched my sister do it. It was different for each. I could do no wrong in my Mom’s eyes…not that I ever did. My sister is my Dad’s child.
A family divided will explode that. My son really wants for very little. His step father has a play station and PSP. He has a game cube here. They are very sports oriented, we do the arts. He has 2 dogs and 2 cats…at both houses.
Activities? He is always doing something with one of us. Aside from all the sports, we are very active. This weekend alone we had his football tournament, a friends birthday, going to a hockey game, and a basketball scrimmage game. Sometimes I think we are too busy.
Anyway, back to the duality of children. Jack never whines with us. He is very well behaved, just alittle hyper at times. For the most part, however, he’s an amazing kid, and consequently gets what he wants, within reason, most of the time. But, when he doesn’t, it usually ends there, and our lives go on.
With his mom, it’s another story. I hear him whine a lot around her. And complain. I’m obviously not around them at home, but it seems he’s more challenging there with his wants and demands.
Explain, you ask? Well, for example, this weekend. As I said, we had a full and very fun weekend. The skating party was a little rough, because it hurts when you don’t skate well, but the rest was amazing. At the scrimmage game, he got hit in the face with a ball…and not in a good way…and it kinda put a damper on it. At my house, this would have been a non issue in 10 minutes, and he would have laughed about it and retold the story dozens of times. However, he went home with Bio-mom. I heard him whining before he got into her car. I got a call saying that he claimed to have a terrible weekend, hated football and basketball, and the party was awful. She actually said she thought he was stressed over the baby. He’s excited about football, basketball, and the baby, so I don’t know what he’s telling mom, but it is different from what he’s telling us.
So, I guess my point, my words of wisdom, would be…”Kids will play you.” Yes, I know, very deep. But in a house divided, it’s not always easy to see. If you are the primary care provider, it can be hard to understand that your child, who is with you 70% of the time, has a totally different personality at part time dad’s house. It doesn’t mean anything is covert or wrong there, just difference’s using your weaknesses to get what he wants, or even needs, at your house differently than he uses his other parents. He may whine at your house, complain about stuff, and be ornery at your house, because that’s what you respond to. At dad’s…that’s not tolerated, and he’s found other way’s to interact.
November 5th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
“She actually said she thought he was stressed over the baby.”
You know, just like he was stressed over the wedding. Not hers, to a virtual stranger, but ours, where I’d been part of the family for years. Or when he was having temper tantrums, only with her, and they were “fever-induced rages”.
Sorry. Hormones kicked up there.
November 6th, 2007 at 9:47 am
We experience a lot of that. Parents will say,” I don’t think he enjoys school because he always cries in the mornings and he comes home saying that so and so hit him and no one played with him…” and these ideas span from the semi plausible to the certifiably insane. This same child who is being “picked on” in school is in reality running, smiling, playing games, laughing and participating in everything. Often, it seems, a kid is reflecting on their parents own anxieties in these situations, which is easy to do when they receive the big reaction of “oh no!” instead of information that helps kids to self cope/soothe.