I’m going sane in an insane world
I remember the feeling I had after the divorce. My give a damn was very low if not nonexistent. I felt like I was walking through Jello most days. The only time I felt anything was with Jack, and even that was forced at time. Life wasn’t that bad. I had a nice job. I had begun dating again. I was doing theatre again. I felt like I was going through the paces of the life I thought I deserved…but didn’t feel much.
My ex-wife had said I needed therapy before the divorce. Said I had “anger issues”. I had a short fuse about small things…never really at anyone, most at myself. But she saw those little explosions and didn’t like that person. I started realizing those explosions where something I saw in my father…but he directed them at those around him. Instead of getting mad the last suitcase just wouldn’t fit in the trunk, he’d get mad at mom for moving the remote. I felt myself getting that way with my son as an infant. I would get really overwhelmed with him…and realized that was my father’s MO. Get to the point of no return and blow up. I didn’t want to continue that legacy.
Those two things are what sent me to a shrink. I remember thinking I was weak for wanting help. Maybe a little crazy. I expected her to tell me to grow a pair and get over it. Man up and control you issues. But that wasn’t it at all. I talked over tons of memories and thoughts with her. I analyzed myself and my reactions for the first time from an objective level. She put me on Lexapro…and anti anxiety/depression drug. A low dose but enough to help.
I’m a better person now. I still take Lexapro. It evens me out. It helps me think more clearly and process information faster. I don’t feel overwhelmed with Tony…almost ever. I feel more deeply than I ever allowed myself before. I like who I am now. I’m very proud of my decision to get help.
Just an honest look…from me to you.
May 5th, 2008 at 7:10 pm
Bryan, you should be proud of getting help. It’s not easy to change which is why not many people do.
May 7th, 2008 at 11:33 pm
Yeah, what she said, bro. You put the wellbeing of others ahead of your pride. You grew yourself. Sounds gutsy and responsible to me, the marks of a real man.
This is what more of us need to hear.