Sympathy Pain

Every day, Tony will crawl down the hallway towards our room. Every day he will stop at Jack’s door and look in. Every day he will make a “Hey” noise, and wait for a response. Only on Wednesdays and every other weekend does he crawl like a madman into the room and climb up his brother. Every other day, he crawls on into our room. You can tell he’s disappointed when Jack isn’t there.

Tony loves his brother. It’s reciprocated, just not in as visible of a way. Jack asks about Tony all the time, about his foot, if he’s walking yet, if he talking yet, so on. He always seems interested in his brother, but not like Tony is with him. Tony lights up when Jack’s around. He’s like the little terrier in the cartoon that follows the Spike the bulldog around like he’s the messiah. Tony is fascinated with all things Jack. And Jack is pretty crazy about that little Binja as well.

I worry that Jack is going to start to resent Tony…the fact that he “gets” to live with us, and Jack, only part time. So far we haven’t seen evidence of that, but I’m waiting. Hopefully Jack will prove me wrong. Maybe they will always have a great brother relationship. It just seems unlikely to me.

I leave you with this cartoon…I’ll let you guess which one is which.

P.S.
This is one of the few Sylvester cartoons I like…No Tweety Bird.

Dick’s…

Ok, actually we found one at Hibbitt’s, but we went to Dick’s first. Jack needed one for football. He plays rough, and needs to protect the Comer line.

Now the closest thing I have ever worn to a cup is a dance belt. And, FYI, they are very different.

It’s football season, again. Jack wanted to do the cup shopping with me. Seems he was too modest to talk about it with his mom.

“He needs a new mouth piece and…he wants to get something else…” his mom said with that “you know” sound in her voice.

“Ah…”said I, understanding, ” we will take care of that.” I figured this would come around soon.

He’s hit an age where his modesty is kicking in. It’s kinda cute. He was changing the other night while I was in the room and ask that I turn around. I can’t imagine what he asks his mom to do…probably leave the house.

So we went in search of the athletic protection device. It’s not required at this age, but I would think it would suck to take a helmet to the groin without some padding there. Again…I didn’t have to worry about that in “Camelot”, just hiding my panty lines in my Kermit the Frog green tights. Do you know how hard it is to find a youth ball barrier? We went to 3 stores before hitting a home run at Hibbitts. Now, hopefully, we have protected the boys from harm.

Jack started the third grade yesterday. It’s hard to believe. We are getting into grades I remember. I remember the morning Jack went to kindergarten. That was the last “first day at school” I had with him. It sucks…I gotta tell you. I remember him standing in the hall way with his back pack, trying to be brave. I’ve had to go off of bio mom reports since then.

I did pick him up after he got home from school yesterday. He rode the bus home for the first time.

“The bus driver’s mean…but he lets us have snacks on the bus…but other than that he’s mean.”

“Yeah, well, my bus driver turned your Aunt and I in for starting an egg fight on the bus…when we weren’t even on the bus that day.”

“well…I guess I won’t do that…”

“What, Jack?”

“Start an egg fight.”

“But, I didn’t, and got in trouble anyway.”

“oh…well does it hurt to get hit with an egg?”

“Never mind…”

He also has to wear his glasses full time now. I tried to lay on the “I wore them at everything was great” lie, but I think he saw through it. I hated wearing my glasses in school. Back then they were the heavy, gray framed, thick ass glasses. His are actually pretty good looking…but it still sucks.

So, the first day went rather well. New teacher. New girlfriend. New glasses. Hopefully this will be a better year. If not, I may have to cut somebody.

The folks were in town this weekend. I don’t know why but that always stresses me out. I’m a different person around my parents. Maybe it’s the thousandth time I’ve heard a joke, or my mom’s self defeating attitude, or the fact that I feel like I have to play ring master for the weekend, but I was stressed. Sarah had shows this weekend…a show that my parents and Jack were going to go see. Her absence did not help my mood. My folks, especially my dad, are good at watching Tony, but not watching Tony. If I hand them a bottle, they can feed him, but not fix the bottle. And diapers…I don’t even try. So it was, “show the folks a good time, entertain Jack, and take care of the baby” weekend. Even with my honorary ovary, that was too much for me. So I was a stress ball.

Tony has hit a phase where he doesn’t want to go to sleep. He actually has a no holds bar grudge match with the sand man when it’s nap time. He pulled this on the way to the show…Sarah’s show…that we were going to see. We had to get Jack some pants…he’s a growing…grab food and get to the theatre. I also had forgotten Tony’s stroller, which caused a u-turn…while Tony is letting the world know that he shan’t sleep. All the while my mom is blaming herself for a broken van door on their new/used minivan. It was broken, and yet somehow, her not being able to open it was her lack of door opening skills. While dad felt the need to read every sign we passed.

“Ruby Tuesdays”

“Target”

“5 Guys’ burgers and Fries”

“No left turn”

We made it to the show, my wife and Sister-in-law were great. Tony stayed backstage with them during the show. When we got out, the stress began again. The baby was backstage. It was storming outside. I had to get Tony through the maze of folks to my parents, then get the van, in the rain, get the stroller in…with the broken door. It was awesome. I didn’t even have a chance to tell sis how great she was. Sorry…

“No Parking”

“Coca-Cola”

“Dad can we go bowling?” huh, what…oh, that was a question for me. A vote was taken, the Baby was fed, and off we went. Pizza first. Then Bowling.

Did you know that bowling on “Cosmic Bowl” night is 5 bucks a person a game. Plus 3.75 shoe rental. So for 2 games it cost us $55 dollars. Ain’t that crazy? We had fun, but it was about an hour and a half after Tony’s bed time when we got home. It was at this point that I thanked God that my sons are as great as they are. Tony went right to sleep. And Jack followed soon after… I did snap at him. He was following me around while I was fixing a bottle, always where I was trying to go.

“Just go play your Wii…I can’t play right now!”

“um…you said you would get me a drink.”

“I’m sorry; I thought you were just being under foot.”

“Yeah, I do that sometimes.” I Love that little guy.

Until Sarah came home and we decided to move tony from his bed to ours. That way the guest bedroom/nursery could be just the guest bedroom for the night. Tony grappled with the sand man at that point…and almost won. But it was an epic battle…and loud.

So that’s it in a nut shell. Not so bad, but something always unhinges in me when they are around. I’ll be glad when they move closer and don’t stay in our house overnight. I think that would help…I think.

“Weatherly Road”

“First Baptist Huntsville”

“Visions Gentleman’s cl…oh…never mind”

This week has been crazy. Sunday was the day of Jack being sick. I didn’t mention that after I dropped him off I raced across town to look at a house. It was awesome. We decided to make an offer.

Monday…Work, which was a trip to the middle of the state…about 2 hours one way. Next to the emergency room with Jack and his faking dehydration (I kid…he was pretty sick). I think it was sometime Monday that they countered our offer and we countered back. I think we got Tivo that night as well. It’s awesome!

Tuesday…let’s see. Oh yes, they accepted our offer, after saying they had to take the curtains…but leave the plantain blinds. I didn’t even notice the curtains. Sarah also got a fabulous job offer. I’m very excited for her. It’s a great program to be involved with.

Wednesday…lots of paper work figuring and talking to loan officers and insurance folks. That’s also the day I found out…I have the Apnea. Dum dum dum!!! I got to play with the Binja that evening. Sarah went to help out the Shickles with the new baby and her big sister.

Thursday…inspection on the house. It is in amazing shape. Then on to pick up Jack, make fudge for the daycare’s spring fling, and Baseball. We lost 21-20. Straight from there to the sleep clinic. It’s weird sleeping with a mask that keeps blowing air up your nose.

Today? Furniture shopping at lunch…and who knows what the evening holds. We have my Grandmother’s birthday celebration tomorrow and Jack’s basketball banquet Sunday.

I’m sick…have been since Tuesday Night. Sarah’s mom had the stomach flu so I stayed home with Tony. We went to the doctor to get his 4 moth shots and check up. He’s fabulous…and pissed about the shots. Tony and I went to get Jack in the afternoon, and had a good evening…until…

You know how I said Sarah’s mom had the stomach flu…she got it from Tony. He’s had nasty diapers for a few days, blowing through 3 outfits at school Monday. So I was the first at the Comer-Brown house to have the pleasure. As Jack and I played some Madden 07 on the Wii, I thought I would play the “fart game” with Jack…unfortunately, it wasn’t a fart.

I skipped to the bathroom, letting Sarah know…”I sharted!” as I passed.

It went downhill from there. Sarah took Jack home, and I ended up on the floor of the bathroom, pants around my ankle, begging for death. I usually don’t get stomach stuff…but this is the second time since Tony’s arrival.

Sarah was blessed with a lesser form of the demon flu. So she got the awesome task of being sick AND taking care of me and the baby.

The vomiting is gone, but I still have a fever and am never more than 20 paces from the toilet.

I do have to admit, while laying in a fetal position in the bed, I really listened to Sarah interact with Tony. She’s amazing. Her tonality is just beautiful. The noises she makes with him always sound like she’s excited to be playing with him. There is never a sound of frustration or irritation, even when he is screaming for more food or going 10 rounds with the sand man. She just has an amazing way with him. I’m very blessed…and have to go…

Our DVD player broke. At first I was pissed. I had to plug in my son’s “Spongebob” dvd player in order to watch “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.” I couldn’t figure out how to make it stop throwing up Spanish translations of any signs in the movie…It was just weird.

But then, I realized I could get a dvd recorder/vcr combo. I had wanted one for a while, but couldn’t justify the purchase. But now…can we say passive aggressive?

So, before the old DVD was cold from its demise, I was at Best Buy.

Sarah is at book club, and the binja is asleep, so I’ve been copying old home movies over. I’ve found jack’s first basketball tournament. He couldn’t get the ball to the goal. It was awesome. They won the chamionship that year, too.

I also found a tape Jack, Sarah, and I did about the time I moved in with Sarah. We played interview. We laughed alot…especially when jack passed some butt thunder on camera.

Now I’m watching a movie from his 2nd birthday. That seems like another life. All his bi-gillion cousins from bio-mom’s side. All of them like I remember…young. Jack like I don’t remember him…little. It’s just insane. I haven’t watched these…probably since they were made. And, yes, I’m making a copy for his mom as well. I’m just that kinda guy.

I know it was my previous world, but it’s cool to see Jack when he was 2. I think Tony looks just like him. Maybe it’s time for you to dust off the old beta max tapes and take a sojourn down memory lane.

Tony was born 13 weeks ago today. Wow. It seems like just yesterday and, at the same time, It’s hard to remember life without him. I really can’t remember life without Jack.At the conference today I saw a baby and really missed Tony. I stopped just short of asking this guy if I could smell the babies head.Later I heard a little girl laughing and it sounded like Jack. This should have been my weekend with him. I made sure she had one of the rubber duckies a company was giving away as SWAG. I was talking to some college students today and told them about my wife…how great of an actress I think she is.

I wear the mantle of husband and father all the time. I’m just very proud of my family. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? I miss them very much tonight.

Sarah called me during dinner and I could hear Tony crying in the background. My heart melted. They needed me and I was not there. It’s alot like the times my ex would call me with Jack screaming in the background. What do you say? I knew she needed answers, of which I had none. And keeping her on the phone wasn’t going to help at all. So she let me go, and I just had to wait…while she tries to figure out this c]screaming baby. And now I have all these questions. Fever? Maybe pressure from the weather? Ear infection? But bugging her is not the answer. I just have to wait.

I’ve written about my realtionship with my ex- before. It may not be the stereotypical divorced with child relationship, and I think we are lucky that way. However, this sometimes leads to strangeness, especially where her family is involved.

Little expositional info. Her family is large and extremely close. It took me about 2 years to get down how belonged to whom and where the family tree forked and such. I come from a small to medium sized family, and we are just close enough. Nobody in our back yard to check out our dirty laundry. We see each other on major holidays and send cards. The ex family mostly live in the same zip code and their are easily 25 family members in a 20 mile radius. I never have more than 4 in a 100 mile radius. And they like each other an are extremely loyal.
Sounds great, right. Well it is…if your apart of it. So, one of few things I hated about the divorce was loosing her family. Lawyer, Dentist, Chiropractor, pediatric nurse, construction contractor…all in my cell phone.
So now, years after the divorce, our story begins.

Saturday, during a peaceful walk with my family, after working on Jack’s “Valentine Box”, the phone rings. It’s Jack’s bio-mom’s mom…Nanny. I think some thing’s wrong. Maybe the bio-mom has been attacked by a Hydra…or something. No, she just wanted to check on Tony and Sarah and, after prompting, said hey to Jack. felt strange, but Nanny is an extremely nice person, so I shrugged it off. She has even offered to watch Tony…again, nice but kinda odd.

Then, last night we took jack home. Bio-mom was at a relative’s house. The patriarchal head of the clan. So we stop to drop him off, and Nanny descends on the car, insisting we bring Tony in for the family to see. We are way off in the docks…I had a feeling we were about to become some domestic violence statistic. However, the ex- family was extremely sweet and loved that Tony bot. They also wanted to take photos of the binja…again, the baby not related to them. He is Jack’s brother, but there is no blood relationship back to this family tree, so it was just odd.

Well, we made it out…but the pucker factor was high. I admit I am blessed to have the kind of relationship I do with my ex-, but it really was odd to stand on the orange shag carpet I had grown accustom to over the 9 years of marriage, and hear my ex- say, “this is Sarah, Bryan’s wife and their baby, Tony.” Very twilight zone.

“You should be a pro, you’ve already got one.”

“This is old hat for you.”

I was holding Tony last night thinking just how different this is from my first child, Jack. Yes they both peed, pooped, and cried, as Jack says, but the difference in everything else is pretty staggering.

They bath are pretty laid back…knock on wood, and happy, but the likeness ends there. Even though I was home far more with Jack, I connected with Tony earlier. It may have to do with having no expectations with Tony. With Jack, the marriage was strained. We had wanted a child, and tried before him, but I think I was hoping he’d also help patch up the unfix-able. So when the ex-would come home from work and crawl into her bed, leaving me with Jack, I resented it…and him. I loved him…no doubt…but I didn’t bond with him and just fall in love until later. Tony was much easier. Again, I had no expectations. We are pretty sickeningly in love, so tony is like a bonus.

I remember being tense and easily rattled with Jack. Yes, I was inexperienced, but I think I was also a darker person. I don’t feel that with Tony. Even when he’s screaming in my face, I have this calmness that helps me through. It also helps him that I’m not worked up. There were times when Jack could make me need to walk away. Now Tony’s young…so maybe…

I guess I’m writing this to say; make sure your house is in order before having a child. As a man and father, you are already at a disadvantage. We aren’t wired to be parents. We don’t have hormones and chemicals that kick in to help the bond. So don’t think a child will be easy, especially if you are not happy with your life. Don’t bring a child into that. As a good friend says…”get your own shit right.”

Now, here’s the Catch 22… I would do it all again if Jack is the result. I would go through the unhappiness and disappointment all over again to have my son. He is amazing…and owns my heart. He’s me…at that age…crazy and all. His mother and I were not good for each other…but we made a pretty awesome kid.

Bryan’s parting thoughts…

Children are not a band aid for relationships. They are not a way to get more back from the man. They are not a way to get out of work. They are a blessing and a challenge. Be as ready for that as you can be. But even if things are 100% perfect, you can still bond and love your child. It just doesn’t come as easily…but it still can be awesome.

My ex- and I get along pretty well. We share in Jack’s needs and wants. There are times we butt heads, usually falling into old patterns that caused the divorce to begin with. At other times, we are a united front. Here’s examples of both…within a 24 hour time period.

I dropped Jack of Sunday night, after a very full weekend of sports and family. He had no homework, which was awesome. However, not 3 minutes after leaving her house, she called me.

“Why didn’t he read his book? I sent it in his book bag.”

So I tried to explain that he had read other things, and she began to dove into my not being responsible for his education needs, and I…and so on. It was really kinda ridiculous. Not what the argument was about, but that the argument happened at all. It should have taken 5 minutes with the agreement being made that I would make sure reading books are considered homework and her agreeing that she needs to be clear about things I may not know since she is the primary care giver. But, it was 30 minutes of accusing and pseudo name calling. I guess 9 years of marriage will leave a few sore spots that take just a small verbal bomb to set off.

So the next night, After I had called to tell him goodnight, I was on the couch, feeding Tony, and the phone rings…as it does when your hands are full. It was the ex-
“Gotta second?”

I figured she was either still steamed about the book or going to apologize for the conversation.

“I’m feeding Tony, but yeah.”

“I’m going to talk to Jack’s principle and insist that he be taken out of this teacher’s class.” Hmmm, thinks I.

“What happened?”

“Well, he was asked to complete a math question on the board and got it wrong. It was the only one he got wrong out of the ten on his paper. The teacher, in front of the class, said ‘He didn’t belong in second grade’.”

My jaw hit the floor. Who says that? What kind of person says that to a 7 year old. He was crushed. He spent all last night saying he wasn’t smart enough to be in second grade. Now, he has an ‘A’ in math, and most of his grades are ‘B’s or high ‘C’s.

“Do you want me to come up?” I ask.

“Well, I don’t know if I can get a definitive time for a meeting, and you are almost an hour away. If I can, I’ll let you know and you can come up.”

“Well, do what you have to do. That’s not ok to say. If the principle won’t do anything, let me know and we can take other actions.” I was pissed, and so was she. We had a common enemy. We’ll see what happens

I guess that’s the way it will be. Their will be times when we go toe to toe over things, mainly because of our past, and others where we will be willing to go shoulder to shoulder.

It was a hellish weekend…not “somebody died from a rattlesnake bite to the face” hellish…just busy. Jack had a Basketball Tournament this weekend, some Christmas thing. It seems some parents think it’s great to have your child spend 3 days of the Christmas Vacation locked up in a gym. I had rather been at home playing Wii, or traveling with family. Any way, Jack’s team is a really good team, but got beat Friday night. That meant they would have to play 5 games Saturday, winning them all, 4 back to back, just to get into the championship. And yes, they did. I am very proud of them, and don’t know how they keep upright for that long. They lost in the championship, their 5th back to back game, to a very rested team. I am an assistant coach, and we were both dead when we got home. Sarah was not much better, having spent the day with fussy baby.

Why was he fussy? Well, not having any guidance on feeding, other than “BREAST IS THE BEST OR HE SHALL NOT GET INTO COLLEGEwe had no idea how much formula we should start out with. Seems 2 ounces is not enough. So Tony spent a good deal of the first few days of formula, hungry. We have read up and figured it out since then, so he is a much happier baby.

Sunday was family day. We traveled about 90 minutes away. Ate good food, Showed off the boys, got presents, and returned home. It was exhausting. We got home and wanted to just crash. Then, there was a moment in which we both got an energy boost…

Seems mister Tony likes laying on his back while you “shake his booty”. It was the first time I noticed him reacting to something outside the food and gas realm. He was cooing and almost smiling. Sarah and I were in heaven. It was so cool to see that happen….then I crashed.

So, I look forward to more booty shaking in ‘08. It made my heart smile. I think that’s one of my resolutions.

“He’s a baby, we have to spend alot of time with him.” Says part time dad to 1st son

“But you spend way more time with him than me.”

I can’t argue this, and was waiting for this revelation to happen. I didn’t have anything prepared, but I was waiting, none the less.

“Well, again, he’s a baby. He needs a lot more…”

“Love?”

“No, buddy, I can’t love anyone more than I love you.”

“Your heart would explode?”

“Yep.”

So…we had a hard weekend. Not bad, just hard. It was the first weekend with Jack and Tony. Sarah was getting over the mastitis. By the way, Did you know that something…let’s call it the dead duct…comes out of the nipple once it dies? Wow, where’s that in “What to expect…”? It’s probably in there, I just didn’t finish the book. So, anyway, Jack was very needy. “Dad, do you want to play game cube?”"Dad, do you wanna watch cartoons in my room?”"Dad, do you want to watch me play game cube?”"Dad, do you wanna watch me watch cartoons in my room?”We played lots of Nintendo. We got a hair cut and went to Pet Smart. We also built a ginger bread house. But if I left him for 14 seconds, he was on my heals.

I want him not to feel like he’s lost any position in this house. But how. There’s a full time residence here now. And it’s a baby who needs much more attention than a 7 year old. I know he was wearing Sarah’s nerve to a raw nub. Mine as well. But I don’t know how to play the game any other way. I felt I needed to give him lots of attention, but where is the line. I talked with, as I took him home, about needing to let us have a little down time when he’s here. He said he understood. He’s also a 7 year old.

Sarah’s folks have been nervous that the Wii my sister in law found in California was a knock off. After all, it was at a kiosk…and she had to pay cash. I understand. So as concerned parents we…plugged that sucker in and…tested it.

IT ROCKS! We had a blast. We will be playing bunches of games with or without Jack. The interactive controls are amazing. And you can download old Nintendo games. Donkey Kong…Mario…yeah baby.

Are we bad parents? Would you play your child’s Christmas gift? Please let me know…not that we will stop, but it’s nice to know.

Wii

Yes, Virginia, We have a Wii.

“Where ever did you fine one?” you might ask. Well, not around here or the Internet, no. My sister-in-law in California found one. She called around and found a place in Glendale that had them.

“That was easy.” I hear you thinking. Nay nay, Nadine. One kiosk had 15. The catch, they had no way to run credit cards. So she had to go get cash and get to the mall. She then had to find where the hell this one oasis of Wii…he he…was. But, she did it.

So now, the quest for the Wii is over. Christmas is saved. I had begun to come up with stories of Santa’s sudden onset of Alzheimer’s, or how Jack wasn’t as “nice” as the other kids who did get one. But, Jenni saved the day. Thanks sis.