Sympathy Pain

The boys and I had an all guy night. Jack was dropped of at work, and I picked Tony up about 5:30. We went to Target then on to Chik-fil-a. Why chik-fil-a? Well, other than their delicious chicken sandwiches, they have a play fort. One of Jack’s favorite things in the world.

Jack finished his dinner, and tried to pretend that he didn’t want to hit the playfort. He’s 9 now, you know. but the primal instict was to great.
After seeing his brother getting crazy on the play for, Tony had to try…Can you tell he has bowing of the tibia? He can’t.

Everytime I take jack home after dark I see them. 2 medium sized trees growing outside his bedroom window. His mom and I bought the house new in 2002. It was new construction so all the trees were gone. We decided to plant some ever greens around the house. The only spot I wanted them was outside his window. I noticed that any car that came around the corner in front of the house shined lights into his room. I thought a couple trees would help. I planted 9 trees around that house. 7 of them died within the month. 2 survived. They now are well over 8 foot tall and block out oncoming headlights quite well. They also jeep the evening sun from heating up his room as much. They were the only 2 that didn’t die. They had a purpose.

I wish I could be there all the time. I wish I could protect him from the world day and night. I can’t. No parent really can. All we can do is plant those little evergreens that grow up to block out headlights. We can only hope that whatever saplings we plant within our children grow to serve them well. Because some day, we won’t live in that house anymore. Someday we will not be there to close the blinds to keep the light out, but, hopefully, our 2 little evergreens will be.

I screwed up. I’d like to blame it all on my son’s seeming inability to focus on simple task, like looking up and writing definitions for 20 vocab words, but I started it.

We got home last night and Jack had afore mentioned definitions and 30 minutes of reading to do. That was all. Not a big deal. We should easily have that accomplished in an hour and a half. With no problem.

Then I said the words that unraveled that plan.

“If you don’t finish in an hour and a half we will just have to be late for the party.” Last night was Jacks Banquet and trophy presentation for Basketball. We were going to a place called “the Jump Zone”. It is a huge warehouse filled with moon bounces and other inflatable jumpy things (No that’s not a euphemism). Those are Jack’s favorites. He is a bouncing fool.

So, suddenly, once the decree was uttered, homework became…difficult. He forgot his alphabet. He would just stare at pages for a couple minutes, then declare the word was not there. Sometimes that was because in his new alphabet “l” came before “e”. Sometimes it was because the word wasn’t in fluorescent colors or have the ability to smack him in the face as he perused the page. It took us over an hour…with me being very patient and trying to focus him, to complete the 20 word assignment.

“How do you eat an elephant” I asked.

“I don’t get it” he replied…before I gave him the answer of “one bite at a time.” Then he still didn’t get it…I was trying to tell him that he was letting the dictionary overwhelm him. He needed to break everything down to starting letter, page it would be on, find column then find the word.

He would have digested that elephant faster than it took him to do the homework.

But we got it done, with minimal pouting. The reading took 30 minutes, as planned, and we got to the party…about 30 minutes late. Once there, he didn’t care if we were late or not. MOON BOUNCES!!!

It happens. I know that mommy’s have it, and started the phrase, but we get it to. Maybe not to the same extent and maybe not over the same things, but we do get the Daddy Guilt from time to time.

If you don’t know, Mommy Guilt is that, sometime irrational, guilt that happens to a mom regarding some “lack of mothering”. The big one in our house is when mom is away from child. This can happen when they are working, shopping, or taking time out for themselves in any number of ways. We dads get it too.

I can hear the mom eyeballs rolling, but stay with me.

The other night, Sarah was saying how guilty she felt stopping at the store to pick up baby food for Tony. She felt that she should be home with him. Even though she was getting sustenance for him, she felt the guilt of separation. I had that same feeling while picking up a prescription for him the next night. Like in the 6 minutes that it took to get the medicine, I would lose my chance to see him before he went to sleep. It happens. We can feel the same pull of guilt as moms do.

I had never felt it as strongly as during the separation and divorce. Not being there to tuck Jack in every night. Not being there to get him ready to go to school. Not dropping him off or picking him up. It tore me apart. I still have nights that I get so down about not being with him that I openly cry. I would say that that constitutes Daddy Guilt.

So, where as not all dads may feel the guilt of separation, some of us do. I’m sure it’s the same with mommies. I have heard the way some of the moms talk at the Walmarts about their rug rats. Just saying.

I’m sitting here, eating red and green M&Ms out of a glass Frosty figurine my Mom gave Jack. Did you know there are 2 different shades of green M&M? Now you do.

Christmas is always tiring. I don’t care who you are…if you have kids…it takes a toll. Our house is no exception.

We did Christmas Eve at Sarah’s parents. They live about 20 minutes away. Tony was great until we crept past his bedtime…then demon baby visited. I kept waiting for the spinning head and green pea soup, but we skirted out before we reached that point.

Christmas morning was pretty non eventful. The one year old didn’t know the whole Santa thing had happened, so we waited until I picked up Jack from his mom’s. This has become my annual tradition. Wake up and go rescue the boy from breakfast with his mom’s family. They are extremely nice folk, but there are presents to be unwrapped at my house, so why eat breakfast? Next year I’m going to see if he wants to do Christmas eve and morning with us so he can help play Santa.

So we hit the presents when we get home. I got a camera for my computer…I’m a dork. Sarah got a bright pink bike with white wall tires. We played the new Wii game Jack got, and Tony ignored his new gifts, wanted to play with his big brother or splash in the toilet.

We then headed to the in-laws again. We had a blast. The boys raked up with more stuff. Our house is about to pop. I got an awesome shirt that has a speaker in it that plays “theme” music…I can’t wear it in the house…so sayeth my wife.

Then we take Jack to his aunt’s house for their yearly Christmas evening meal. I walk him into the house, every year, and it never gets less awkward. Again, they are great people, but I am not part of that family any longer. I was for 9 years, but not anymore, so it’s just weird.

Then we head back to the house, sans Jack, and relax.

That’s Christmas day at the Comer-Brown house. Hope yours was festive and restful…

There’s nothing more uncomfortable than sitting in a Taco Bell/KFC (yeah…we’re classy) with your ex-wife and 8 year old son discussing his behavioral issues. Not ones at my house or even at school but her house. He’s been acting out and violent. Yes, he’s only 8, but violent 8 year olds grow up to be violent husbands and fathers. So, up until now, she’s been doling out the punishments and I have stood behind her…from 30 miles away.

Sarah became pretty insistent that I needed to sit down with the ex and lay everything out as far has his outburst are concerned. I have to say, my wife is pretty smart.

Now my ex-wife is in a very awkward spot. This behavior only happens at her house. He always says that I let him act however he wants. That he doesn’t get punished at my house. I know she’s frustrated, and also has a tendency to get defensive if I bring the subject up.

So I brought it up when I dropped him off Thursday…and she got defensive. But, after the first couple “What do you mean” she listened. He had another outburst the next morning, and the lunch meeting was set for the next day.

Mostly, we made sure he knew we, his mother and I, are on the same page. That we talk to each other about him. That we both love him very much. That he can’t play the “Dad doesn’t mind” card anymore. I told him it’s all about decisions. The good ones he makes with me and at school and the bad ones he makes with his mom…but ultimately they are his decisions. We also made sure that he knew he could talk to us, and if he didn’t feel like he could, we could find someone he was comfortable with. We also gave him the opportunity to tell us if we were doing something to make him mad…with no reply.

Will it help…time will tell. But it was a united front that he wasn’t used to. It also set up a next step, if needed, of pulling a third party in…like a counselor.

It sucked…but at the end of it all, very necessary. He’s a good, smart kid, but there is something going on, and I hope this helps him know he can deal with it in better ways.

Every day, Tony will crawl down the hallway towards our room. Every day he will stop at Jack’s door and look in. Every day he will make a “Hey” noise, and wait for a response. Only on Wednesdays and every other weekend does he crawl like a madman into the room and climb up his brother. Every other day, he crawls on into our room. You can tell he’s disappointed when Jack isn’t there.

Tony loves his brother. It’s reciprocated, just not in as visible of a way. Jack asks about Tony all the time, about his foot, if he’s walking yet, if he talking yet, so on. He always seems interested in his brother, but not like Tony is with him. Tony lights up when Jack’s around. He’s like the little terrier in the cartoon that follows the Spike the bulldog around like he’s the messiah. Tony is fascinated with all things Jack. And Jack is pretty crazy about that little Binja as well.

I worry that Jack is going to start to resent Tony…the fact that he “gets” to live with us, and Jack, only part time. So far we haven’t seen evidence of that, but I’m waiting. Hopefully Jack will prove me wrong. Maybe they will always have a great brother relationship. It just seems unlikely to me.

I leave you with this cartoon…I’ll let you guess which one is which.

P.S.
This is one of the few Sylvester cartoons I like…No Tweety Bird.

Dick’s…

Ok, actually we found one at Hibbitt’s, but we went to Dick’s first. Jack needed one for football. He plays rough, and needs to protect the Comer line.

Now the closest thing I have ever worn to a cup is a dance belt. And, FYI, they are very different.

It’s football season, again. Jack wanted to do the cup shopping with me. Seems he was too modest to talk about it with his mom.

“He needs a new mouth piece and…he wants to get something else…” his mom said with that “you know” sound in her voice.

“Ah…”said I, understanding, ” we will take care of that.” I figured this would come around soon.

He’s hit an age where his modesty is kicking in. It’s kinda cute. He was changing the other night while I was in the room and ask that I turn around. I can’t imagine what he asks his mom to do…probably leave the house.

So we went in search of the athletic protection device. It’s not required at this age, but I would think it would suck to take a helmet to the groin without some padding there. Again…I didn’t have to worry about that in “Camelot”, just hiding my panty lines in my Kermit the Frog green tights. Do you know how hard it is to find a youth ball barrier? We went to 3 stores before hitting a home run at Hibbitts. Now, hopefully, we have protected the boys from harm.

Jack started the third grade yesterday. It’s hard to believe. We are getting into grades I remember. I remember the morning Jack went to kindergarten. That was the last “first day at school” I had with him. It sucks…I gotta tell you. I remember him standing in the hall way with his back pack, trying to be brave. I’ve had to go off of bio mom reports since then.

I did pick him up after he got home from school yesterday. He rode the bus home for the first time.

“The bus driver’s mean…but he lets us have snacks on the bus…but other than that he’s mean.”

“Yeah, well, my bus driver turned your Aunt and I in for starting an egg fight on the bus…when we weren’t even on the bus that day.”

“well…I guess I won’t do that…”

“What, Jack?”

“Start an egg fight.”

“But, I didn’t, and got in trouble anyway.”

“oh…well does it hurt to get hit with an egg?”

“Never mind…”

He also has to wear his glasses full time now. I tried to lay on the “I wore them at everything was great” lie, but I think he saw through it. I hated wearing my glasses in school. Back then they were the heavy, gray framed, thick ass glasses. His are actually pretty good looking…but it still sucks.

So, the first day went rather well. New teacher. New girlfriend. New glasses. Hopefully this will be a better year. If not, I may have to cut somebody.

The folks were in town this weekend. I don’t know why but that always stresses me out. I’m a different person around my parents. Maybe it’s the thousandth time I’ve heard a joke, or my mom’s self defeating attitude, or the fact that I feel like I have to play ring master for the weekend, but I was stressed. Sarah had shows this weekend…a show that my parents and Jack were going to go see. Her absence did not help my mood. My folks, especially my dad, are good at watching Tony, but not watching Tony. If I hand them a bottle, they can feed him, but not fix the bottle. And diapers…I don’t even try. So it was, “show the folks a good time, entertain Jack, and take care of the baby” weekend. Even with my honorary ovary, that was too much for me. So I was a stress ball.

Tony has hit a phase where he doesn’t want to go to sleep. He actually has a no holds bar grudge match with the sand man when it’s nap time. He pulled this on the way to the show…Sarah’s show…that we were going to see. We had to get Jack some pants…he’s a growing…grab food and get to the theatre. I also had forgotten Tony’s stroller, which caused a u-turn…while Tony is letting the world know that he shan’t sleep. All the while my mom is blaming herself for a broken van door on their new/used minivan. It was broken, and yet somehow, her not being able to open it was her lack of door opening skills. While dad felt the need to read every sign we passed.

“Ruby Tuesdays”

“Target”

“5 Guys’ burgers and Fries”

“No left turn”

We made it to the show, my wife and Sister-in-law were great. Tony stayed backstage with them during the show. When we got out, the stress began again. The baby was backstage. It was storming outside. I had to get Tony through the maze of folks to my parents, then get the van, in the rain, get the stroller in…with the broken door. It was awesome. I didn’t even have a chance to tell sis how great she was. Sorry…

“No Parking”

“Coca-Cola”

“Dad can we go bowling?” huh, what…oh, that was a question for me. A vote was taken, the Baby was fed, and off we went. Pizza first. Then Bowling.

Did you know that bowling on “Cosmic Bowl” night is 5 bucks a person a game. Plus 3.75 shoe rental. So for 2 games it cost us $55 dollars. Ain’t that crazy? We had fun, but it was about an hour and a half after Tony’s bed time when we got home. It was at this point that I thanked God that my sons are as great as they are. Tony went right to sleep. And Jack followed soon after… I did snap at him. He was following me around while I was fixing a bottle, always where I was trying to go.

“Just go play your Wii…I can’t play right now!”

“um…you said you would get me a drink.”

“I’m sorry; I thought you were just being under foot.”

“Yeah, I do that sometimes.” I Love that little guy.

Until Sarah came home and we decided to move tony from his bed to ours. That way the guest bedroom/nursery could be just the guest bedroom for the night. Tony grappled with the sand man at that point…and almost won. But it was an epic battle…and loud.

So that’s it in a nut shell. Not so bad, but something always unhinges in me when they are around. I’ll be glad when they move closer and don’t stay in our house overnight. I think that would help…I think.

“Weatherly Road”

“First Baptist Huntsville”

“Visions Gentleman’s cl…oh…never mind”

This week has been crazy. Sunday was the day of Jack being sick. I didn’t mention that after I dropped him off I raced across town to look at a house. It was awesome. We decided to make an offer.

Monday…Work, which was a trip to the middle of the state…about 2 hours one way. Next to the emergency room with Jack and his faking dehydration (I kid…he was pretty sick). I think it was sometime Monday that they countered our offer and we countered back. I think we got Tivo that night as well. It’s awesome!

Tuesday…let’s see. Oh yes, they accepted our offer, after saying they had to take the curtains…but leave the plantain blinds. I didn’t even notice the curtains. Sarah also got a fabulous job offer. I’m very excited for her. It’s a great program to be involved with.

Wednesday…lots of paper work figuring and talking to loan officers and insurance folks. That’s also the day I found out…I have the Apnea. Dum dum dum!!! I got to play with the Binja that evening. Sarah went to help out the Shickles with the new baby and her big sister.

Thursday…inspection on the house. It is in amazing shape. Then on to pick up Jack, make fudge for the daycare’s spring fling, and Baseball. We lost 21-20. Straight from there to the sleep clinic. It’s weird sleeping with a mask that keeps blowing air up your nose.

Today? Furniture shopping at lunch…and who knows what the evening holds. We have my Grandmother’s birthday celebration tomorrow and Jack’s basketball banquet Sunday.

I’m sick…have been since Tuesday Night. Sarah’s mom had the stomach flu so I stayed home with Tony. We went to the doctor to get his 4 moth shots and check up. He’s fabulous…and pissed about the shots. Tony and I went to get Jack in the afternoon, and had a good evening…until…

You know how I said Sarah’s mom had the stomach flu…she got it from Tony. He’s had nasty diapers for a few days, blowing through 3 outfits at school Monday. So I was the first at the Comer-Brown house to have the pleasure. As Jack and I played some Madden 07 on the Wii, I thought I would play the “fart game” with Jack…unfortunately, it wasn’t a fart.

I skipped to the bathroom, letting Sarah know…”I sharted!” as I passed.

It went downhill from there. Sarah took Jack home, and I ended up on the floor of the bathroom, pants around my ankle, begging for death. I usually don’t get stomach stuff…but this is the second time since Tony’s arrival.

Sarah was blessed with a lesser form of the demon flu. So she got the awesome task of being sick AND taking care of me and the baby.

The vomiting is gone, but I still have a fever and am never more than 20 paces from the toilet.

I do have to admit, while laying in a fetal position in the bed, I really listened to Sarah interact with Tony. She’s amazing. Her tonality is just beautiful. The noises she makes with him always sound like she’s excited to be playing with him. There is never a sound of frustration or irritation, even when he is screaming for more food or going 10 rounds with the sand man. She just has an amazing way with him. I’m very blessed…and have to go…

Our DVD player broke. At first I was pissed. I had to plug in my son’s “Spongebob” dvd player in order to watch “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.” I couldn’t figure out how to make it stop throwing up Spanish translations of any signs in the movie…It was just weird.

But then, I realized I could get a dvd recorder/vcr combo. I had wanted one for a while, but couldn’t justify the purchase. But now…can we say passive aggressive?

So, before the old DVD was cold from its demise, I was at Best Buy.

Sarah is at book club, and the binja is asleep, so I’ve been copying old home movies over. I’ve found jack’s first basketball tournament. He couldn’t get the ball to the goal. It was awesome. They won the chamionship that year, too.

I also found a tape Jack, Sarah, and I did about the time I moved in with Sarah. We played interview. We laughed alot…especially when jack passed some butt thunder on camera.

Now I’m watching a movie from his 2nd birthday. That seems like another life. All his bi-gillion cousins from bio-mom’s side. All of them like I remember…young. Jack like I don’t remember him…little. It’s just insane. I haven’t watched these…probably since they were made. And, yes, I’m making a copy for his mom as well. I’m just that kinda guy.

I know it was my previous world, but it’s cool to see Jack when he was 2. I think Tony looks just like him. Maybe it’s time for you to dust off the old beta max tapes and take a sojourn down memory lane.

Tony was born 13 weeks ago today. Wow. It seems like just yesterday and, at the same time, It’s hard to remember life without him. I really can’t remember life without Jack.At the conference today I saw a baby and really missed Tony. I stopped just short of asking this guy if I could smell the babies head.Later I heard a little girl laughing and it sounded like Jack. This should have been my weekend with him. I made sure she had one of the rubber duckies a company was giving away as SWAG. I was talking to some college students today and told them about my wife…how great of an actress I think she is.

I wear the mantle of husband and father all the time. I’m just very proud of my family. Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be? I miss them very much tonight.

Sarah called me during dinner and I could hear Tony crying in the background. My heart melted. They needed me and I was not there. It’s alot like the times my ex would call me with Jack screaming in the background. What do you say? I knew she needed answers, of which I had none. And keeping her on the phone wasn’t going to help at all. So she let me go, and I just had to wait…while she tries to figure out this c]screaming baby. And now I have all these questions. Fever? Maybe pressure from the weather? Ear infection? But bugging her is not the answer. I just have to wait.

I’ve written about my realtionship with my ex- before. It may not be the stereotypical divorced with child relationship, and I think we are lucky that way. However, this sometimes leads to strangeness, especially where her family is involved.

Little expositional info. Her family is large and extremely close. It took me about 2 years to get down how belonged to whom and where the family tree forked and such. I come from a small to medium sized family, and we are just close enough. Nobody in our back yard to check out our dirty laundry. We see each other on major holidays and send cards. The ex family mostly live in the same zip code and their are easily 25 family members in a 20 mile radius. I never have more than 4 in a 100 mile radius. And they like each other an are extremely loyal.
Sounds great, right. Well it is…if your apart of it. So, one of few things I hated about the divorce was loosing her family. Lawyer, Dentist, Chiropractor, pediatric nurse, construction contractor…all in my cell phone.
So now, years after the divorce, our story begins.

Saturday, during a peaceful walk with my family, after working on Jack’s “Valentine Box”, the phone rings. It’s Jack’s bio-mom’s mom…Nanny. I think some thing’s wrong. Maybe the bio-mom has been attacked by a Hydra…or something. No, she just wanted to check on Tony and Sarah and, after prompting, said hey to Jack. felt strange, but Nanny is an extremely nice person, so I shrugged it off. She has even offered to watch Tony…again, nice but kinda odd.

Then, last night we took jack home. Bio-mom was at a relative’s house. The patriarchal head of the clan. So we stop to drop him off, and Nanny descends on the car, insisting we bring Tony in for the family to see. We are way off in the docks…I had a feeling we were about to become some domestic violence statistic. However, the ex- family was extremely sweet and loved that Tony bot. They also wanted to take photos of the binja…again, the baby not related to them. He is Jack’s brother, but there is no blood relationship back to this family tree, so it was just odd.

Well, we made it out…but the pucker factor was high. I admit I am blessed to have the kind of relationship I do with my ex-, but it really was odd to stand on the orange shag carpet I had grown accustom to over the 9 years of marriage, and hear my ex- say, “this is Sarah, Bryan’s wife and their baby, Tony.” Very twilight zone.