Sympathy Pain

One of the things I feel I gloss over at times is the other parent in my house. I know, if you read this site, you realize my I think my wife is pretty amazing.

I started making a list of all her obvious strengths and accolades, but that didn’t seem right. I need to tell you why I love her…

She has an amazing laugh. It’s honest and pure. It was one of the first things I noticed about her.

The way she looks at children. She understands them. She loves them unconditionally. And they know it and react to her in amazing ways.

Sarah loves animals. She is kindhearted and gentle with them…even cats for the most part.

Her wit catches me off guard. It’s dry and intelligent at times, and at others, raunchy and base. I love it.

She also has a way with people. Men and women. Its something like a super sex appeal. It’s not easily put into words, but I have seen many a head turn as she walked by. It affects me all the time.

She is talented. Her voice makes my knees weak. I love to hear her soul pour out when she sings. And then to see her stage presence…it’s amazing.

Her kiss and touch…well…I digress…and blush. I still get butterflies when she kisses me.

And the way she is with Jack and Tony. I sometimes just sit back and watch the interaction. It’s electric at times. I couldn’t have asked for a more amazing mother.

Those are just a few that I can put into words. She amazes me everyday. She told me years ago that that would go away…I doubt it.

It really didn’t hit me until last night. I’ve been planning on going out of town on business for months. This is just one of those things you do as a sales person. But, last night, I really had that moment of…”What if…”

Now, I’m only about 2 1/2 hours away, so I could easily get there …but that’s not the “idea”. I would be there when she started. I’d be there when the water broke. I’d be the time keeper. I want to be the one to make sure we get to the hospital and in ok. I want to be the calming one…if that exist. That’s how this is going to go down…unless I’m here.

And, through her doctor visit, we found out that she is “progressing faster” than the doctor thought. What the hell does that mean? Is that a bad thing? Does that just mean that we are going to have a thanksgiving baby instead of a dec. 1 baby? Or does that mean she’s going to drop sooner? By measuring the fundus he seems to think that she is “progressing faster.”

So, here I set, on the ninth floor of a nice hotel in my home town…with our rental manager, S-annon taking a shower and jonesing for a cigarette, wishing I could be at home, playing with my wife’s hair and planning out route to the hospital.

On a different note, over at “Inside Fatherhood“, I have found someone who shares my views on Graco’s motto.

Me:” So, A__ at work was talking to the guys in the back about cheating. She ask them if they would cheat on their significant other if they KNEW they would never get caught.”

Her:”oh…”

Me: “Yeah, I most of them said they would…if no one else would ever find out”

Her:”oh…”

Me:”Yeah, and I was like, ‘I would never. Stupid guys…if you have an affair, simple logic tells you that their is already someone else that knows…the person you are having the affair with. That means that they can come back to out you. Dumb guys…they don’t think that far ahead.”

Her: “The right answer is ‘No I would never cheat because I love her…”

Me:” I mean, yeah, that’s my real answer…but…um…Hey…I sure do Love you…”

You know what I’m afraid of? Loosing Sarah. Not in the mall or Target, but during the pregnancy. What man hasn’t thought that? Yeah, woman have been giving birth since Eve, and we are in a technically advanced age, but woman still die in childbirth.Did you know that 1 in 3700 women die in America every year during childbirth? Morbid much? But it’s true.

Yes I worry about Tony. Every time he changes his movement pattern, I worry. Sarah, rather she admits it or not, worries about that little guy as well…but never for herself. So I get to worry about Tony and my wife. It’s kinda my job to look out for her. She’s so concentrated on the baby, between the two of us, he’s covered…but who cares for mom? I love her more than I though I would ever love anyone… except Bernadette Peters…

What if something goes wrong? What if I come home from the hospital either with just Tony…or alone. I know it’s stupid…but it’s still there. I’m not obsessing about it, or loosing sleep. But sometimes I think of loosing her…or them …and not in a “phew, now I can watch Baywatch” way…

I just wanted to write down the nervous father/husbands thought of the day. So if you’re an expectant dad…and you are having these thoughts…I understand.

I set up some pictures…Which was our anniversary day. As you can see, it was pretty normal…which we like. Yeah, a trip would have been nice.
This time last year we were in Gatlinburg being tourist. We had a third story balcony room in a chalet with a hot tub. No one could see us…or what we were up too. It was nice. Watching the storm of the year come through the smokies while setting in the hot tub was unbelievable. Also, being tourist geeks and getting air brushed t-shirts and old timey photos rocked as well.
But this year brings change. Sarah is about ready to take a pear knife to her belly and get Tony out. I’m trying to finish up a set for local Arts School before the water breaks. Jack had 2 football games this weekend. Travel is not an option.
But I had a great weekend. I love just spending time with my wife. Jack was at his mom’s, so after the games and some work Saturday, I spent the rest of the weekend with Sarah.
Guys, I hope your wife is the first person on your list that you want to spend time with. Not because you feel like you have to, but because you want to. Not in that “I can’t breath without you” way. Sarah and I have little tiffs…usually about my driving…but we usually just enjoy each other. That’s paramount. If you lost it with your wife, make that your priority.

Recall that secret place. You’ve been there, you remember: That special place where once- Just once- in your crowded sunlit lifetime, you hid away in shadow from the tyranny of time….

Yeah that’s from a musical…cause I’m gay.

Anyway, We had a great day…just being us…cause as it turns out, that’s who we fell in love with.

gatlinburg chalet, timber rose, anniversary, pee wee football

Sarah and I are coming up on our first anniversary. It feels like this year has been crazy long. Not in a “Jesus God…this is worse than Chinese water torture” but in a “how did we cram 10 pounds of crap in a 5 pound bag?” kinda way. We’ve done a whole bunch, between all of Jack’s sports, to being in a show together, to working on various productions, to…there is something else…oh yeah, getting pregnant.
So I went back and read my old blog and discovered this from a year ago today. I though I’d share the thoughts of a man about to marry an amazing woman: (more…)

Today, I sold my wife’s engagement ring on e-bay. I wanted to jot down the history so I wouldn’t forget…

I knew she wanted white gold…and had a 5 1/2 ring size. That was about it. I also knew I was limited on budget. So I called my sister…who is a pawn shop queen. I looked around here and she found one and sent me the picture. I thought it looked great and I could afford it…mostly because the shop would hold it and let me pay until it was paid off. I wasn’t sure, so I sent the picture to the “bitter twin”, Sarah’s BFF, and she approved. So I sent my first payment of about 7 or 8.

Finally, with ring paid off, I wanted to make the night special. We started to go to one of her favorite restaurant, but it was crazy crowded. At that point, I decided to throw the night to fate. Whatever happened would happen. It’s kinda how we are in life.

So we start driving and realize that NO ONE cooks in Huntsville anymore…except Stephanie…and end up at a Mexican restaurant that we had never eaten at before. As we set there, I started getting nervous.

“What do I do if this evening sucks? I gotta come up with a plan…” I thought. Then fate stepped in by the way of the bartender.

“You guys doing anything tonight?” he asked as he comes over to our table. I just knew we were about to be asked to be a part of some snuff film. “I have 2 tickets to the Viper game, and can’t go”. Suddenly I have after dinner plans. We like the indoor football, so we go.

I believe they won, but more importantly they had these animal/mascots that just owned Sarah…I thought she was going to wet herself.

After the game, we went on a walk through Big Spring park…and saw some of my students. It was kinda cool to see the guys, who had become such a big part of my life, on the night I asked Sarah to marry me. It couldn’t have been a better night.

So we had a seat on a bench over looking the pond. The weather was perfect. I got done on one knee and the rest is blog history.

I’m gonna miss that ring. But it’s only a ring…I’ve got Sarah.

If you have read this site before, you know I have a 7 year old. He is every bit “my son”, and I love him with all my heart. Sarah and I are very lucky that we have had no complications with Tony. Jack was the third attempt at a child for my ex-wife and myself. (more…)

My wife and I went to the movies tonight…A TUESDAY!!! Yes, it’s true. She made a fabulous dinner of pork chops and rice, and away we went. We saw “Superbad“, which we enjoyed. It wasn’t as good as “Knocked Up”, but it was really well done. I identified with one of the leads, so the movie meant more to me than Sarah. It was pretty accurate of the male, nerd, experience. Now, there were some great drawings of the male sex organ…one as a signer of the “Declaration of Indepenis”, one of Medusa with snake like penises for hair. They were great. Um, since that is the highlight of the movie…I have to recommend this as a renter. Wait till it comes out on DVD.

On another note, Sarah got a new Mac Book. It’s AWESOME. We recorded our first pod cast tonight…but have no idea what to do next. I know we have to convert it to a MP3, but don’t know what software to use. Then, how do we publish it? Anyone have any great words of wisdom? We are pretty damn funny.

So, the point of the post…Date your wife. Take her out, and not just on planned, weekly excursions. Do something out of the norm, even if it’s a movie on a Tuesday. It’s just fun. And that’s what we need in our marriages…that and a Mac Book.

Wow…So, tonight’s Super Nanny hit me hard. The mom had 2 older boys from a previous relationship, and 3 more together. The parents never should have had more children. They said they started having major issues just months after they moved in together. They never talked to each other, only blamed each other for downfalls that they both had a hand in. Why would you start a family under those circumstances. She had actually filed for divorce 6 months before the taping of the show. Children deserve more. The older children, especially the eldest, caught the brunt of dad’s frustration. The dad was always on this boys case, about nothing. The dad blamed the boy for their failing to connect. This poor nine year old shouldered an unbelievable amount of pressure. The boy actually said they were on this show to save his parents marriage. No child should ever have to say something like that.

Again, I’m going to need you to be the adult. Have your shit together when you decide to have a family. When things come up, deal with them. They seemed to harbour all this crap from the past…and project it onto your children. It like if mom did something 5 years ago, dad put it in a mental file and took it out on the family. OR, he would exclude himself from the family while there, almost in a show of resentment towards her. Get off the cross!

Sarah and I aren’t perfect. We have our moments. We have had some pretty big arguments. But, we deal with it, learn from it, and leave it behind. If we do bring it back up, it’s to laugh about how stupid we were.

AND, I really believe that if you are so unhappy…so defeated…get the divorce. Stay involved in the children’s life, but give them a happier world to live in. I can’t speak for my ex-wife, but I know Jack has a much better example of a loving family than he would if we had stayed together. YES DIVORCE SUCKS! It took me at least a year to go though all the stages I needed to in order to become Bryan again. Some take longer. However, now, I am the father I wanted to be for him and Tony.No I am not “full-time” dad…and that also sucks, but I am a better role model now than Jack would have had otherwise.

Also, 6 months of the divorce, just hanging there, stagnant. She had filed it, and it was just a wedge. If you get to the point of divorce, it’s not a bargaining tool. It’s not a threat. It’s a legal declaration of separation. Shit or get off the pot. I didn’t file for divorce until the ex- and I said “done”, then the proceedings happened.

So, in closing. Be the adult. Have your world in order. Make sure you are comfortable in your own skin. If you aren’t, your children will suffer.

So…Embarrassing moments of pregnancy. I’ve touched on it before. I finally have one for Sarah.

Flatulence…that was the start. Usually a 3rd grade level humor….or guys in an elevator…but still, usually not something that would cause what happened next.

“Even Shelby heard that” says Sarah. Shelby’s our smelly, deaf cat who was standing at ground zero.

“Damn, I think i shit on her…and she smells better…” I say, in my dry wit fashion.

Cue Sarah’s breakdown. She started by giggling…then doubling over…wheezing…more laughing.

“Be careful, don’t pee yourself” I say, half joking. I know the baby’s using Sarah’s bladder as a jumping bag.

“Get out of here…” She is now kinda squatting, knees together, by the refrigerator. So I retreat to the bathroom.

“Hey, that swiffer wet jet is on the wall.” I kid…not knowing what has transpired in front of the fridge.

“Charlie, no…”, she chokes out, nearly out of breath from laughter. What in the hell is happening, I think, and what is our dog doing?

A few moments go by, and I hear the Swiffer Jet…and then I know.

Sarah has peed on herself…and not just a little. Charlie got excited because she was beside the refrigerator, thought there was some lemon-aid on the floor, but after the first lick, he knew. Then, she used the swiffer to clean it up.

“I need to take a quick shower.” she was still trying to control her laughter. I was trying not to laugh at her.

“Well, that was the last shread of dignity I had.”…we are still giggling about it…24 hours later.

What do you do with an anniversary deferred? Ok, so Langston was alittle more poetic than I am…just alittle. My first marriage was August 12, 1995. I hate that sentence…”my first marriage”. It sounds like I’m revving up for 12 more. I was married for 9 years. Marriage is something I do not take lightly.

I really don’t know what to write. I wanted to share some tips…some anecdotes…but I don’t know where to start. I don’t hate my ex. We don’t hang out, unless Jack is involved. I have more of an indifference, again, unless Jack is involved. We simply became 2 people who could not see eye to eye on many varying issues.

So, here are 2 points of wisdom gleamed from my previous marriage.

The first. When deciding to get married, marry the person you don’t fell you HAVE to marry. After the divorce, I had to find myself. I had turned into someone I didn’t know. It took me about a year. I went to a psychiatrist, balled up at my house, cried alot, lashed out in a hateful manner, and finally, came through with me. I realized I am complete. I am great being Bryan. So, when I wasn’t looking, along came an amazing woman, who was also complete in herself. She didn’t have pieces missing in her life. Simply put, we compliment each other. I’m her Cranberry Sauce. You have have a perfectly good Thanksgiving Dinner without it, but it adds so much. So, we got married…not out of necessity, but out of want.

Ok, number two. Don’t hold it in. It will overwhelm you and you will get to the point of non reconciliation. Let me start by saying my ex-wife and I are so much better apart. Jack is better for it as well. Having said that, there were things that, when they finally came up…during the pre divorce talks…it is too late to do anything. I felt like I was dropping bombs. Things that, while I thought should have been self evident…were not. I laid waste. Don’t let that happen. Talk about the small thing, as well as large, before they get out of control. Sarah and I are great about this. I may be overly sensitive to this, but we know each other like I never thought we could. So, talk. If it just gets on your nerves, or really is a point of contingency, talk about it. Not in an accusatory, you suck, way, but talk.

Yes, there are other lessons I learned, but these are the two I always feel like yelling at people I see going down the same path I went down.

Doin’ it. The ole bump and grind. The horizontal tango. Playing the piano. Making whoopee. Whatever you call it, if you have a child, you have had sex. There are volumes of books on sex, which last I checked, causes pregnancy, but sex during pregnancy is usually just a comic note. Dane Cook, talks about the baby during sex…something about the baby grabbing on…I digress.

So what about sex during pregnancy? Normally, it’s fine. You can’t hurt the baby…under normal, non crazy, sex. You’ll probably find a couple new positions that are just easier and more comfortable. for the most part, sex is even recomended.

There are a few things to watch:

Don’t introduce air into the vagina. It may be a good idea to bypass the oral sex.

The missionary position is not a friendly position for the baby or the momma. It will become Missionary Impossible…get it? see what I did there…Anyway, find some positions that best compliment your new body. Try her on top, spooning, hands and knees, or side by side. Make it fun.

The first trimester will be full of fatigue and nausea. That will lesson, but will still be something that comes up. Communicate that. The second trimester will bring more energy and, hopefully, less nausea.

You may have some history or condition that would cause you to not have sex during pregnancy. A history of miscarriage or a high risk pregnancy, talk to your doctor.

Now, let me share a secret. But first, let me preface it with “every woman is different”. Having said that, DAMN, pregnancy sex is AWESOME! For one thing, because of the heightened blood flow in her body, she’s more sensitive. She also has roaring hormones that can come outta nowhere and WHAM. The sex is very intense. And we talk more about what’s going on. It’s a great thing. Yes there are times that she is not feeling well, or tired, but as long as I am understanding, we’ve been amazing.

In short, take advantage of the differences in your life. Talk and explore. Talk to your doctor if your worried, but don’t just not have sex. Enjoy each other. Communicate. You’re not going to hit the baby in the eye with your penis…and if you do…damn.

Does anyone else get pissed watching Super Nanny? I really think people should have to take a parenting test. This episode has a 4 year old with no social skills and the mouth of a sailor, and a 10 year old that is in desperate need of attention from his parents or at least some stimulation. The parents were so freaking lifeless when it came to the kids. The only way the ten year old could get any reaction from the mom was to behave badly. How can they not see that?

Dad is a cop, but has absolutely no enforcement in his body. He treated the eldest like a four year old and ignored the youngest. It was dead parenting at its best.

“I’ve never met two parents with so little enthusiasm” Jo says. AHHHH!!! Why is it ok for these people to procreate. She called them “lame”. They had no rules, no planned activities. they set in the kitchen while their kids played and cursed.

“It just hard” the mom would say. I’m sorry, your a parent. Stop whining and try something. And, how is it hard to set in the kitchen and let things happen?

In our house, we do stuff. We find neat things to do. Even on a lazy day, we break up the video games with trips to the store or walking the dog. And, it’s not an option or a discussion, it’s just the way it is. And, it’s usually the best part of the day.

As a parent, you have to decide to be the parent. If you don’t, the kids will figure that out, and it will be “hard”. If you decide to be a parent, it will be easier AND you can bring a positive energy to the house.

Let me be dorky for a post. I love my wife. She is an amazing woman. I remember the first time I saw her. She glowed. Every time I’m near her I feel this energy that makes me want to be a better me.

Growing up and in college I read a lot of Piers Anthony fantasy books. I was a junkie. Their was one series where everyone on this plant had a magical talent. Just one. Some were powerful, like controlling the weather. Some were ordinary, like creating spots on a wall. One character had sex appeal as there magic. Her power affected men and women, old and young. I thought what a cool power to have.

So I married her. My wife has that power. I’ve seen her become the center of attention in a crowd. I have heard straight women almost lust after her. I watched heads turn when she entered a room. It’s pretty amazing to watch and know she’s in love with me.