Sympathy Pain

It happens. I know that mommy’s have it, and started the phrase, but we get it to. Maybe not to the same extent and maybe not over the same things, but we do get the Daddy Guilt from time to time.

If you don’t know, Mommy Guilt is that, sometime irrational, guilt that happens to a mom regarding some “lack of mothering”. The big one in our house is when mom is away from child. This can happen when they are working, shopping, or taking time out for themselves in any number of ways. We dads get it too.

I can hear the mom eyeballs rolling, but stay with me.

The other night, Sarah was saying how guilty she felt stopping at the store to pick up baby food for Tony. She felt that she should be home with him. Even though she was getting sustenance for him, she felt the guilt of separation. I had that same feeling while picking up a prescription for him the next night. Like in the 6 minutes that it took to get the medicine, I would lose my chance to see him before he went to sleep. It happens. We can feel the same pull of guilt as moms do.

I had never felt it as strongly as during the separation and divorce. Not being there to tuck Jack in every night. Not being there to get him ready to go to school. Not dropping him off or picking him up. It tore me apart. I still have nights that I get so down about not being with him that I openly cry. I would say that that constitutes Daddy Guilt.

So, where as not all dads may feel the guilt of separation, some of us do. I’m sure it’s the same with mommies. I have heard the way some of the moms talk at the Walmarts about their rug rats. Just saying.

Let me tell you about 2 mother’s in my life. First, my mom. My mom is a baby boomer. Her dad was in World War II in the Philippines. She is the oldest of 3, the other 2 twins. They were raised in “the mill village, in Jasper Alabama. This was a group of homes built for the workers of the local mill. They didn’t have much, but they had family. My mother never completed high school, but got her GED with me on her hip in the mid seventies. My mom has worked in the same factory for 25 years. Nothing flashy, but she helped pay the bills and feed us. I grew up beside my mom at the church piano. She played for our tiny Baptist church and sang specials every 2 or 3 weeks. She never missed a Sunday, unless my sister or I were sick. I learned my “The show must go on” attitude from her. I also learned my love of music and singing from her. She came alive at the piano and while playing and singing. My mom is a very loving and gentle soul. She has a problem with expressing herself through words, but I always knew that she love my sister and I with all she had. I love my mom.

Now for the mom who has my heart. Sarah is an amazing woman and mother. I remember when we started dating she was very positive about not wanting children. Because of that, I didn’t know how she would react to my son. They work together amazingly. I couldn’t imagine him without her influence. I am so blessed to have her in his life. Then one night, about a year and a half ago, she ask me…”why don’t you want to have a child with me?” I reminded her that she was staunchly set against it from the get go, and I would love to have a child with her. Now I have another son and she is every bit of the amazing mother that I knew she would be. She has a very loving nature with children. She understands them and knows how to have fun and be the parent at the same time. I also love to watch her interact with Jack and Tony. She’s simply…amazing. I love her with all my heart.

It’s Sarah’s first day back at work. There was a light grey cloud over the house at times this weekend. You could tell she was apprehensive about the jump back in. My wife is extremely good at what she does. For the most part, she enjoys work. However, it does not define her. And after 6 weeks at home with the Tony, watching him grow and begin his social interaction, it’s hard to give that up for 8 hours a day. She’s no longer “Sarah, the kick butt take names working woman” she’s “Sarah, the kick butt take names working mom.”

I had about 2 months at home with Jack. Going to work was hard, but I was defined by what I did. Home wasn’t as happy as I led everyone to believe, so work was my refuge, my hiding place. And, Jack was on campus with me. I could walk to the daycare and stick my head in. So I can almost empathise with Sarah, but not really. I hope she see’s home differently.

So, as I always do, I found some articles on Mommy separation anxiety. Here’s a quote I liked muchly:

“The way they rated mothers on parenting skills was not related to whether or not the mother worked, but who the mother was as a person, her values, whether the child was a priority in her life and whether she was really connected to her child,” Galinsky says.

I’ve always said, less stress is better for everyone. If staying at home and trying to live on one income becomes a wedge in the house, it’s better to go back to work and alleviate that stress. Less comes form day care than budget issues. Money is tops when it comes to marriage problems…not daycare worries.

We all have different situations. At this point, neither Sarah nor I could become stay at home parents without making our day to day living extremely difficult. Yours might be different. However, when it comes down to it, less stress is going to be best for parents and baby, so figure out that path, and take it.

Luckily, Sarah’s mom is watching Tony until March, so we have been blessed with a little more family time for Tony before he begins daycare. I’m sure she’ll have some anxiety when her time is up with Tony. We’ll cross that bridge then.

I’ve been running errands almost daily. It always seems we need something for Tony. Things we had on the registry but didn’t get, or things we didn’t get before the birth, or things we just didn’t think about. Usually once or twice a day I kiss Sarah and Tony and head out. While I’m out, I try to grab a meal from different restaurants we haven’t eaten at recently or food stuff to make dinner with (chili was a bad idea…the baby did not like the spicy). Today it was; bank, flea medicine, mattress max for bean bag chair for Jack, Pet Smart for food, and Firehouse Subs for lunch.

I don’t mind at all. It lets me give a helping hand while Sarah is at home, acting as a feeding host for the parasite baby. I got to thinking of this on the way home today. I realized Sarah hasn’t left the house other than doctor’s appointments. So when I got home, I suggested she get out of the house.

“I don’t really need to…but…”

She got out in the fresh air, and realized she did need some outside time. She did some girly stuff, went to Target (the week before Christmas… ), and want to the coffee shop. She wasn’t gone long, but it was enough to recharge her batteries. So it was good. Tomorrow, she’s going out with the girls for lunch. Me and the Binja baby will hang out and run with scissors. It will be great. Maybe I’ll teach him to swear. It’s what we dads do.