Sympathy Pain

No parent should ever bury a child. I watched my grandmother grieve the passing of my uncle, Anthony Dewayne, her youngest. He was 40. It was devestating to witness. It was against the normal flow of nature. My ex grandfather in law saw his only 2 children pass within just a few years of each other. It was just not right. As the child, we grow up knowing that we will survive our parents. As the parent, we expect to watch our child grow and begin their own family. Losing a child is never something you expect.

Now, these are all parents who lost their children in adulthood. When a parent looses a young child…I have no words. It feels like god has stopped watching. Why would he give such a precious gift to a family, just to rip their heart away. I digress.

I read today about little Maddie. She was taken much too soon. My heart absolutly bleeds for the family. Please send your thoughts and prayers to her parents and family.

So, yesterday, i took our little gift from heaven to the doctor. It is his normal check up time. Now we tried this before, but he had fever due to his near walking pneumonia, so we had to take him back to get his shots.

I stayed home with him. He went down for a nap a little before we were suppose to leave, so waking him up and getting him out the door became a last minute push to be on time.

He was in his pajamas, so I threw some sandals on him…no bare feet at the doctor’s office…and left. I forgot it was 40 degrees outside, so I ran in and grabbed some sweats to cover his legs. I thought the PJ’s he had on where shorts…but they were not. they were full length and would have sufficed.
Looking back, he had one ghetto outfit on, but we made it to the doc’s on time. I sent a picture out and that’s when the ridicule began…

My wife marked up the photo.

Yes, he looked like a red headed step child at Wal-Mart. I get it…

However…let me shed some light on his momma’s latest clothing faux pas.

She went home Friday…which was national cleavage day by the way…and took a nap before picking up tony. She was wearing a dress that show a little cleavage, but not obscene amounts.

So she woke up, drove to the day care, and was greeted by some odd questions.

“So, how was your…er…day? Was it is a…um…long one?”

“No it was fine” she replied, puzzled by their interest.

She got home…and realized her dress, during her nap, had dropped down on one side to expose one of her sweater puppies. She did have a bra one, so it wasn’t extremely pornographic, but she had been showing one of the girls to everyone who passed by.

So, it seems, fashion accidents run in the family.

We had Jack for the weekend. Saturday was one of those days that was cold but sunny. About half way through the day Sarah took the Binja over to popie and nonna (is that right? I’m trying to figure out what he’s supposed to call the grandparents). So the idea was formed, and I’m not sure by whom, that we bring our Wii gear over to their house and have a Guitar Hero jam session. YES!

Jack and I spent the afternoon prepping for the evening’s festivities. We played through some songs on the Wii. I was on guitar, he was singing. Come to find out, you don’t need to know the words if you a playing on the beginning setting. He would just hum or make up lyrics. We had fun.

Then the main event. We went to Sarah’s folks’ house and jammed out. Sarah sang and played bass…no that’s not a fish. Jack sang and played drums…and some guitar. I was on the guitar all night. Sarah’s sister sang and played a little drums. Sarah’s dad (popie) played a little bass. Sarah’s mom (nonna) helped with lyrics and Binja wrestling.

It was awesome. To have 4 people playing the game at once. It’s also nice to play one a larger TV. Those lyrics are tiny for us old folks on the set we have at the house. We need to buy a bigger TV just to play Wii!

Here’s a video of “Eye of the Tiger”. I think Jack knows all the words now.

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1068255395423

My mother-in-law got us Guitar Hero/world tour for Wii. This comes with guitar, drums, and a microphone. What an awesome family game. We have played the heck out of it since last Thursday.

I have absolutely no formal musical instrument background. I sang some in college and grew in the church choir. The wife has an amazing voice, graduated from a choral magnet high school, and worked in radio so knows music pretty well. This game kicks our ass. She tends to sing…and is horse the next day. I am trying to play guitar, and can’t get past the easy level.

Jack started out as the drummer of the family, and still does better on that than anyone else, but he’d rather sing. This constitutes him sitting the game for beginner and just making noises into the mic…which for some songs works really well.

Tony, at 13 months, won’t leave the drum sticks alone. No matter where we put them, he will find them and start beating them together.

The only creature in the house that hates this game is our cat. He will literally climb up you if your singing. The other night Sarah was sitting in the floor, singing, when the cat reached up and swatted at her face. Everyone’s a critic.

So, I recommend this game. Admittedly, I tried it at the store and wasn’t that impressed, but at home, with the whole family involved, it’s awesome…Just make sure you put the cat out of the room.

It happens. I know that mommy’s have it, and started the phrase, but we get it to. Maybe not to the same extent and maybe not over the same things, but we do get the Daddy Guilt from time to time.

If you don’t know, Mommy Guilt is that, sometime irrational, guilt that happens to a mom regarding some “lack of mothering”. The big one in our house is when mom is away from child. This can happen when they are working, shopping, or taking time out for themselves in any number of ways. We dads get it too.

I can hear the mom eyeballs rolling, but stay with me.

The other night, Sarah was saying how guilty she felt stopping at the store to pick up baby food for Tony. She felt that she should be home with him. Even though she was getting sustenance for him, she felt the guilt of separation. I had that same feeling while picking up a prescription for him the next night. Like in the 6 minutes that it took to get the medicine, I would lose my chance to see him before he went to sleep. It happens. We can feel the same pull of guilt as moms do.

I had never felt it as strongly as during the separation and divorce. Not being there to tuck Jack in every night. Not being there to get him ready to go to school. Not dropping him off or picking him up. It tore me apart. I still have nights that I get so down about not being with him that I openly cry. I would say that that constitutes Daddy Guilt.

So, where as not all dads may feel the guilt of separation, some of us do. I’m sure it’s the same with mommies. I have heard the way some of the moms talk at the Walmarts about their rug rats. Just saying.

I’m sitting here, eating red and green M&Ms out of a glass Frosty figurine my Mom gave Jack. Did you know there are 2 different shades of green M&M? Now you do.

Christmas is always tiring. I don’t care who you are…if you have kids…it takes a toll. Our house is no exception.

We did Christmas Eve at Sarah’s parents. They live about 20 minutes away. Tony was great until we crept past his bedtime…then demon baby visited. I kept waiting for the spinning head and green pea soup, but we skirted out before we reached that point.

Christmas morning was pretty non eventful. The one year old didn’t know the whole Santa thing had happened, so we waited until I picked up Jack from his mom’s. This has become my annual tradition. Wake up and go rescue the boy from breakfast with his mom’s family. They are extremely nice folk, but there are presents to be unwrapped at my house, so why eat breakfast? Next year I’m going to see if he wants to do Christmas eve and morning with us so he can help play Santa.

So we hit the presents when we get home. I got a camera for my computer…I’m a dork. Sarah got a bright pink bike with white wall tires. We played the new Wii game Jack got, and Tony ignored his new gifts, wanted to play with his big brother or splash in the toilet.

We then headed to the in-laws again. We had a blast. The boys raked up with more stuff. Our house is about to pop. I got an awesome shirt that has a speaker in it that plays “theme” music…I can’t wear it in the house…so sayeth my wife.

Then we take Jack to his aunt’s house for their yearly Christmas evening meal. I walk him into the house, every year, and it never gets less awkward. Again, they are great people, but I am not part of that family any longer. I was for 9 years, but not anymore, so it’s just weird.

Then we head back to the house, sans Jack, and relax.

That’s Christmas day at the Comer-Brown house. Hope yours was festive and restful…

Jack started the third grade yesterday. It’s hard to believe. We are getting into grades I remember. I remember the morning Jack went to kindergarten. That was the last “first day at school” I had with him. It sucks…I gotta tell you. I remember him standing in the hall way with his back pack, trying to be brave. I’ve had to go off of bio mom reports since then.

I did pick him up after he got home from school yesterday. He rode the bus home for the first time.

“The bus driver’s mean…but he lets us have snacks on the bus…but other than that he’s mean.”

“Yeah, well, my bus driver turned your Aunt and I in for starting an egg fight on the bus…when we weren’t even on the bus that day.”

“well…I guess I won’t do that…”

“What, Jack?”

“Start an egg fight.”

“But, I didn’t, and got in trouble anyway.”

“oh…well does it hurt to get hit with an egg?”

“Never mind…”

He also has to wear his glasses full time now. I tried to lay on the “I wore them at everything was great” lie, but I think he saw through it. I hated wearing my glasses in school. Back then they were the heavy, gray framed, thick ass glasses. His are actually pretty good looking…but it still sucks.

So, the first day went rather well. New teacher. New girlfriend. New glasses. Hopefully this will be a better year. If not, I may have to cut somebody.

The folks were in town this weekend. I don’t know why but that always stresses me out. I’m a different person around my parents. Maybe it’s the thousandth time I’ve heard a joke, or my mom’s self defeating attitude, or the fact that I feel like I have to play ring master for the weekend, but I was stressed. Sarah had shows this weekend…a show that my parents and Jack were going to go see. Her absence did not help my mood. My folks, especially my dad, are good at watching Tony, but not watching Tony. If I hand them a bottle, they can feed him, but not fix the bottle. And diapers…I don’t even try. So it was, “show the folks a good time, entertain Jack, and take care of the baby” weekend. Even with my honorary ovary, that was too much for me. So I was a stress ball.

Tony has hit a phase where he doesn’t want to go to sleep. He actually has a no holds bar grudge match with the sand man when it’s nap time. He pulled this on the way to the show…Sarah’s show…that we were going to see. We had to get Jack some pants…he’s a growing…grab food and get to the theatre. I also had forgotten Tony’s stroller, which caused a u-turn…while Tony is letting the world know that he shan’t sleep. All the while my mom is blaming herself for a broken van door on their new/used minivan. It was broken, and yet somehow, her not being able to open it was her lack of door opening skills. While dad felt the need to read every sign we passed.

“Ruby Tuesdays”

“Target”

“5 Guys’ burgers and Fries”

“No left turn”

We made it to the show, my wife and Sister-in-law were great. Tony stayed backstage with them during the show. When we got out, the stress began again. The baby was backstage. It was storming outside. I had to get Tony through the maze of folks to my parents, then get the van, in the rain, get the stroller in…with the broken door. It was awesome. I didn’t even have a chance to tell sis how great she was. Sorry…

“No Parking”

“Coca-Cola”

“Dad can we go bowling?” huh, what…oh, that was a question for me. A vote was taken, the Baby was fed, and off we went. Pizza first. Then Bowling.

Did you know that bowling on “Cosmic Bowl” night is 5 bucks a person a game. Plus 3.75 shoe rental. So for 2 games it cost us $55 dollars. Ain’t that crazy? We had fun, but it was about an hour and a half after Tony’s bed time when we got home. It was at this point that I thanked God that my sons are as great as they are. Tony went right to sleep. And Jack followed soon after… I did snap at him. He was following me around while I was fixing a bottle, always where I was trying to go.

“Just go play your Wii…I can’t play right now!”

“um…you said you would get me a drink.”

“I’m sorry; I thought you were just being under foot.”

“Yeah, I do that sometimes.” I Love that little guy.

Until Sarah came home and we decided to move tony from his bed to ours. That way the guest bedroom/nursery could be just the guest bedroom for the night. Tony grappled with the sand man at that point…and almost won. But it was an epic battle…and loud.

So that’s it in a nut shell. Not so bad, but something always unhinges in me when they are around. I’ll be glad when they move closer and don’t stay in our house overnight. I think that would help…I think.

“Weatherly Road”

“First Baptist Huntsville”

“Visions Gentleman’s cl…oh…never mind”

6 to 9 Months

What Your Baby Likes: Seeing people he recognizes, interactive games, cause-and-effect toys.

What’s Behind the Smiles: By 9 months, he’s beginning to understand object permanence, the concept that an object or person still exists even after leaving his line of sight. He’ll show you he understands this when he cranes his neck over his stationary activity center or high chair after a toy falls to the floor. He’ll like it all the better if you pick up the toy for him to toss over the side again.

His memory is growing now, too, so what left him laughing yesterday — hearing his sister sing a silly tune — might make him chuckle days later when she does it again, says Michelle Gross, a developmental psychologist who directs a Centers for Disease Control-contracted parenting research project for kids from birth to age 5.

What You Can Do: Initiate a game of peekaboo. He’ll also like having you help him hide a stuffed animal or toy under a blanket and asking, “Where’d it go?”

Play a modified game of airplane with your baby by lying on your back, knees bent, and placing him on your shins. Make whooshing sounds as you gently “fly” him back and forth and side to side.

Toys that allow your baby to push a button and watch something pop up are sure to induce a smile. I remember adding voices to a pop-up toy featuring a farmer, cows, horses, and sheep. Emma would bust out laughing at my deep “Farmer Fred” voice.

Making dinner and need a distraction for your baby? Offer up a couple of pots and pans along with a wooden spoon. He’ll like knowing he’s capable of creating such a racket. Speak to him as you both “cook”: “Mommy is making mashed potatoes for dinner tonight. What are you making? Looks like green beans! Stir ‘em up!”

Tony had his 6 moth birthday Saturday…I guess. At some point you stop counting age by wee and go with months. If we were going by weeks…he’d be at 26 weeks and a day…which is more like 6 and a half months if you count 4 weeks in a month…but I digress.

Here are some things I’ve noticed about a 6 month old Binja…

• The darker the food he is attempting to eat, the more that will miss the bib.
• If it’s really dark food, you’ll not be able to find a bib to begin with.
• He loves people with long hair. The more hair you have…and the more tender your scalp…the more he hair he will be able to grab and pull.
• Those of us who are follicley challenged usefully get a finger up the nose.
• Once you start feeding a baby anything other than formula…his poop…changes…
• You will be amazed at the faces and sounds grown folks will make at a baby.
• You will also be amazed that said baby finds them hilarious.
• You have panic moments about who is supposed to pick up the baby on the days you aren’t the one…and they happen about 10 minutes after the day care closes.
• You wonder if other parents judge you as your child screams bloody murder in public.
• You stop caring about other parents
• You begin to believe in gremlins, fairies, talking donkeys, sneetches, and all those other things you read to your child about.
• Installing a car seat in the back of a Suzuki …in the parking lot of Target…in the heat of the day…will make you consider a home vasectomy.
• And lastly…no matter how much you need sleep, and no matter how much it pisses you off to be awake, when that little boy smiles at you from his crib at 3 am…you melt.

I love that Binja…

I’m exhausted. The weekend…which started Thursday afternoon…was filled with lots of sweat and dust. We moved the bulk of the furniture by truck Thursday afternoon. It wasn’t supposed to rain Thursday, but those little summer showers popped up making the humidity oceanic. We finished up around 9 or 10. Unfortunately Tony started coughing about then.

Tony’s pediatrician was out of town. So Friday morning I learned a valuable lesson. Emergency or walk in clinics don’t all take infants. I went to 2 before finding a third that would see Tony. It happened to be the same one I took Jack to years ago. They were great but slow. Jack had a tendency at Tony’s age to develop pneumonia any time he got a cough, so we didn’t want to hesitate with Tony. His lungs are clear, but the doctor said he heard a hint of an asthmatic wheeze at the end of each breath. Joy. So antibiotics and rest for now.

More moving Friday night with Jack… and some Wii. Wii Fit is awesome! It’s actually an exercise routine I can buy into.

Baseball…the last of the regular season…Saturday morning. We start the championship Saturday.

More moving Saturday afternoon.

Saturday evening…birthday dinner for Jack and myself at Red Robin. The birthday sundae rocked.

Sunday, guess what, more trips to the old house. One truck load at a time. My job is to fetch. Sarah has been great about unpacking.

Monday…work was exhausting…plus the cable hook up. They never come when they are supposed to. The evening was Jack’s 8^th Birthday. Wow. It hurts me to think how old he is. Tony can’t ever grow up.

No moving. But I did install a touch screen programmable thermostat… cause I can.

There are still a few things at the old house…and cleaning to do. But I’m exhausted and feel like I am coming down with some summer cold. So, goodbye for now. Hopefully I will have more fatherly advice later.

It’s been a heck of a week; I wanted to take a moment to celebrate my son’s 8^th birthday:

June 2, 2000:

It was a beautiful June day. I was about to become a father. The hospital had called us the day before and told us the room was ready…it was like turn down service. We had scheduled an induction. Jack’s mom had some high blood pressure issues during the pregnancy, so our doctor decided to get things going at 37 weeks. We had taken the class and tour. We had “the list” of necessary things. The family was in town. And Jackson Keith arrived around 3:30 that afternoon. I don’t know why, but I didn’t cut the cord. I’ve always regretted that. But he got here, a little jaundiced, but healthy none the less. It is one of my favorite days. We named him after my dad’s father “Jack”…his name was Arthur Earl, but everyone called him Jack…and the bio-mom’s uncle, Keith, how had been killed in a car crash years before.

June 2, 2008:

I have to pick up the Birthday Cake from Costco. He wanted chocolate cake with chocolate icing and a football theme. The party is at 6:00 at the gym where he plays Basketball. His mom is picking up the food and getting the gym ready. 16 boys have been invited, mostly from his baseball team. All of them will show. Jack’s just that kid that everyone enjoys to be around. He’s about to go into the third grade and is reading on a fourth grade level. He’s finding his since of humor. We laugh a lot. I’m very proud of this little guy. He’s beginning to become his own person. It’s amazing to watch. I wish I could freeze him where he is but I also can’t wait to see who he becomes.

This week has been crazy. Sunday was the day of Jack being sick. I didn’t mention that after I dropped him off I raced across town to look at a house. It was awesome. We decided to make an offer.

Monday…Work, which was a trip to the middle of the state…about 2 hours one way. Next to the emergency room with Jack and his faking dehydration (I kid…he was pretty sick). I think it was sometime Monday that they countered our offer and we countered back. I think we got Tivo that night as well. It’s awesome!

Tuesday…let’s see. Oh yes, they accepted our offer, after saying they had to take the curtains…but leave the plantain blinds. I didn’t even notice the curtains. Sarah also got a fabulous job offer. I’m very excited for her. It’s a great program to be involved with.

Wednesday…lots of paper work figuring and talking to loan officers and insurance folks. That’s also the day I found out…I have the Apnea. Dum dum dum!!! I got to play with the Binja that evening. Sarah went to help out the Shickles with the new baby and her big sister.

Thursday…inspection on the house. It is in amazing shape. Then on to pick up Jack, make fudge for the daycare’s spring fling, and Baseball. We lost 21-20. Straight from there to the sleep clinic. It’s weird sleeping with a mask that keeps blowing air up your nose.

Today? Furniture shopping at lunch…and who knows what the evening holds. We have my Grandmother’s birthday celebration tomorrow and Jack’s basketball banquet Sunday.

8:00pm

So…it started off pretty rough. We tried to go look at houses between 6:30 and my 8:00 appointment for the sleep study. Tony would not have it. Usually, after a few minutes crying in the car, he nods off. Not this evening, ladies and gents. He let us know everything he thought of us dragging him along from house to house. We were only doing drivebys tonight, but he still was pissed at us. He cried for a solid half hour until finally we threw in the towel and Sarah took me to my appointment.

So here I sit. In a room about the size of a cheap hotel. It’s nice though. The bathroom is almost as big as the sleeping area. I have a tv with vcr…but no remote. There is a gazillion wires coming out of a control panel next to the bed. I think there is a plastic fitted sheet…probably with sensors…on the bed. And a camera with infrared LED lamp. I have no idea how long before she comes in and hooks me up. I so look forward to it.

9:00pm

Ok…so I’m lying in bed…kinda drifting. I’m waiting for someone to come back to hook me up…and not in a good way, when I hear from over head…

“Mr. Comer…” There’s an intercom above the bed.

“I need you to set up and look at the camera. I need to get a picture.”

So I set up. The robotic camera swivels around.

“Smile.” If just having the camera in the room wasn’t enough, they had to make sure I knew it was there…and moved. Creepy.

9:45pm

Patty comes in to hook me up. There’s a wire down each of my pants legs with 2 electrodes per leg…can’t wait to rip the tape off tomorrow morning. There are 2 electrodes on my chest, and what feels like 8 on my face and scalp. Plus the pluse ox on my finger and the air monitor in my nose.

Sleep tight.

After I get in bed and the lights are off, I have to do exercises. These tell her if everything is hooked up correctly.

“Mr. Comer,” again the voice from above, “look left, now right, no left, now right…flex your left fot 3 times…now your right”…and so on. A voice in the dark…and I’m being filmed…normal night for me.

5:00am

“Mr. Comer. It’s time to get up.” And we had to do the aerobics all over again. I slept o.k. Woke up a few times more than I would at home, but it wasn’t bad.

Patty came in and removed all the connections. “You wife is right…you do snore.” I almost didn’t take a shower there…until I ran my hand through my hair and felt all the crap. I took the option of a shower and left.

I go to the doc in two weeks to see if I have apnea or not. If so, I have to do another sleep study.

Yawn.

Our DVD player broke. At first I was pissed. I had to plug in my son’s “Spongebob” dvd player in order to watch “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.” I couldn’t figure out how to make it stop throwing up Spanish translations of any signs in the movie…It was just weird.

But then, I realized I could get a dvd recorder/vcr combo. I had wanted one for a while, but couldn’t justify the purchase. But now…can we say passive aggressive?

So, before the old DVD was cold from its demise, I was at Best Buy.

Sarah is at book club, and the binja is asleep, so I’ve been copying old home movies over. I’ve found jack’s first basketball tournament. He couldn’t get the ball to the goal. It was awesome. They won the chamionship that year, too.

I also found a tape Jack, Sarah, and I did about the time I moved in with Sarah. We played interview. We laughed alot…especially when jack passed some butt thunder on camera.

Now I’m watching a movie from his 2nd birthday. That seems like another life. All his bi-gillion cousins from bio-mom’s side. All of them like I remember…young. Jack like I don’t remember him…little. It’s just insane. I haven’t watched these…probably since they were made. And, yes, I’m making a copy for his mom as well. I’m just that kinda guy.

I know it was my previous world, but it’s cool to see Jack when he was 2. I think Tony looks just like him. Maybe it’s time for you to dust off the old beta max tapes and take a sojourn down memory lane.