Sympathy Pain

I’m sitting here, eating red and green M&Ms out of a glass Frosty figurine my Mom gave Jack. Did you know there are 2 different shades of green M&M? Now you do.

Christmas is always tiring. I don’t care who you are…if you have kids…it takes a toll. Our house is no exception.

We did Christmas Eve at Sarah’s parents. They live about 20 minutes away. Tony was great until we crept past his bedtime…then demon baby visited. I kept waiting for the spinning head and green pea soup, but we skirted out before we reached that point.

Christmas morning was pretty non eventful. The one year old didn’t know the whole Santa thing had happened, so we waited until I picked up Jack from his mom’s. This has become my annual tradition. Wake up and go rescue the boy from breakfast with his mom’s family. They are extremely nice folk, but there are presents to be unwrapped at my house, so why eat breakfast? Next year I’m going to see if he wants to do Christmas eve and morning with us so he can help play Santa.

So we hit the presents when we get home. I got a camera for my computer…I’m a dork. Sarah got a bright pink bike with white wall tires. We played the new Wii game Jack got, and Tony ignored his new gifts, wanted to play with his big brother or splash in the toilet.

We then headed to the in-laws again. We had a blast. The boys raked up with more stuff. Our house is about to pop. I got an awesome shirt that has a speaker in it that plays “theme” music…I can’t wear it in the house…so sayeth my wife.

Then we take Jack to his aunt’s house for their yearly Christmas evening meal. I walk him into the house, every year, and it never gets less awkward. Again, they are great people, but I am not part of that family any longer. I was for 9 years, but not anymore, so it’s just weird.

Then we head back to the house, sans Jack, and relax.

That’s Christmas day at the Comer-Brown house. Hope yours was festive and restful…

At least texting during reality shows does.

Here’s the set up. Sarah and I are watching “Mama’s Boys” on NBC last night. If you don’t know, this is a show where a group of single women…anywhere from surgical students to Penthouse models…are bidding for the affections of 3 self proclaimed momma boys. The twist is that they are living in a house with the afore mentioned momma boy’s mommas. We are hooked.

So, the way that these boys let the ladies know if they are staying or going home that week, they text message them. How ridiculous is that? “Yes” means you are staying. “No” sends you packing. “Meet me by the pool” means you have to meet the 3 guys to discuss your fate. So here is where my story really begins.

I thought…”I test my wife, who is sitting 4 feet away from me, and let her know she’s “safe” for another week. So I grab my phone and send her the “Yes…meet me in the bedroom” text.

Then I wait to see her reaction. And wait.

“Why hasn’t her phone gone off?” I wonder…then I get this “oh shit” feeling.

I pick up my phone. See who I sent the message to. And sure enough, it was my ex-wife.

Awesomeness!

So, I send her the message “This is awkward. That was for Sarah.”

“LOL…I won’t keep it for blackmail.” Was her response.

So yes, I sent a dirty text message to my ex wife while my wife set 4 feet away from me. Maybe reality tv does rot your brain.

Found this article on Parent Dish. Wanted to share it for all the divorced parents out there.

Ending a romantic relationship usually means you don’t see the other party again — you can excise that person from your life, minimizing the emotional upheaval of having to interact with that person.

Unless, of course, you have kids.

Divorce happens, and at a rate of nearly 50 percent. Many of those marriages include children, and spending time with your ex-spouse during the holidays can be extremely stressful, both for you and for the kids. Because so many more couples are deciding to go with joint physical custody, more blended families are spending Christmas together.

Following a few simple tips can help keep the anxiety and stress to a minimum, for everyone involved:

It’s Not About You: Try to remember that holidays are for children. Be positive about your kids spending time with the other parent, even if it means you might be alone.

Take A Lesson From Scrooge: Gifts don’t have to be elaborate to show your love. Don’t try to compensate for the divorce with lavish gifts. Kids want your time, love and understanding. They don’t want you to spend yourself into oblivion to buy their love.

It’s Not A Competition: Please, for the love of Pete, don’t trample anyone to get that “must-have gift” just to upstage your former spouse.

Pay Attention To Details: Work out, well in advance, exactly how the logistics of the holiday will go. When will the kids be with you? When will they be with their other parent? When will they see their grandparents, and with whom? Knowing the plan helps the wee ones feel secure.

Celebrate Together: You may not live together anymore, but that doesn’t mean you can’t open gifts together. Consider having the holidays as a family, albeit as a reorganized one. Don’t worry what other people think; remember, it’s about the kids.

Most of all, remember that while you may have conflicts with your ex, your kids are innocent and they deserve the best possible holiday you can manage.

There’s nothing more uncomfortable than sitting in a Taco Bell/KFC (yeah…we’re classy) with your ex-wife and 8 year old son discussing his behavioral issues. Not ones at my house or even at school but her house. He’s been acting out and violent. Yes, he’s only 8, but violent 8 year olds grow up to be violent husbands and fathers. So, up until now, she’s been doling out the punishments and I have stood behind her…from 30 miles away.

Sarah became pretty insistent that I needed to sit down with the ex and lay everything out as far has his outburst are concerned. I have to say, my wife is pretty smart.

Now my ex-wife is in a very awkward spot. This behavior only happens at her house. He always says that I let him act however he wants. That he doesn’t get punished at my house. I know she’s frustrated, and also has a tendency to get defensive if I bring the subject up.

So I brought it up when I dropped him off Thursday…and she got defensive. But, after the first couple “What do you mean” she listened. He had another outburst the next morning, and the lunch meeting was set for the next day.

Mostly, we made sure he knew we, his mother and I, are on the same page. That we talk to each other about him. That we both love him very much. That he can’t play the “Dad doesn’t mind” card anymore. I told him it’s all about decisions. The good ones he makes with me and at school and the bad ones he makes with his mom…but ultimately they are his decisions. We also made sure that he knew he could talk to us, and if he didn’t feel like he could, we could find someone he was comfortable with. We also gave him the opportunity to tell us if we were doing something to make him mad…with no reply.

Will it help…time will tell. But it was a united front that he wasn’t used to. It also set up a next step, if needed, of pulling a third party in…like a counselor.

It sucked…but at the end of it all, very necessary. He’s a good, smart kid, but there is something going on, and I hope this helps him know he can deal with it in better ways.

I know we are months away from Christmas…oh wait…crap…

Anyway, this morning I was dropping the Binja off at day care and over heard a conversation between daycare worker and another parent.

“So, are you ready for Christmas?” the daycare worker asked. “Have you even begun shopping yet.”

“Well luckily, I don’t have to worry about that this year. The boys will be with their dad.” She replied. “I will have them next year for Bobby’s 2^nd
Christmas. That will be more fun anyway.”

Hmmm…My initial reaction was…”WHAT?” I realize that not every divorced couple is as cooperative as my ex and I, but come on. Not doing anything for your kids just because they are “not with you” that day is not ok. We always try to share the day. And even if I didn’t see Jack at all on the 25^th, we would still find a way to include him in our Christmas.

Of course, I don’t know the whole story. Maybe they have other issues that would keep them from being able to work something out. I really can’t fathom what in a divorce situation would keep you from getting a gift for your children. Even if it’s just stocking type stuff. Socks. Something.

Am I being too judgmental? Is there something I could be overlooking? AND, why would you say that out loud? Want to know what I heard?

“I’m a selfish parent who is dumping all gift responsibilities on my good for nothing ex. Why should I worry about it?”

Our DVD player broke. At first I was pissed. I had to plug in my son’s “Spongebob” dvd player in order to watch “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.” I couldn’t figure out how to make it stop throwing up Spanish translations of any signs in the movie…It was just weird.

But then, I realized I could get a dvd recorder/vcr combo. I had wanted one for a while, but couldn’t justify the purchase. But now…can we say passive aggressive?

So, before the old DVD was cold from its demise, I was at Best Buy.

Sarah is at book club, and the binja is asleep, so I’ve been copying old home movies over. I’ve found jack’s first basketball tournament. He couldn’t get the ball to the goal. It was awesome. They won the chamionship that year, too.

I also found a tape Jack, Sarah, and I did about the time I moved in with Sarah. We played interview. We laughed alot…especially when jack passed some butt thunder on camera.

Now I’m watching a movie from his 2nd birthday. That seems like another life. All his bi-gillion cousins from bio-mom’s side. All of them like I remember…young. Jack like I don’t remember him…little. It’s just insane. I haven’t watched these…probably since they were made. And, yes, I’m making a copy for his mom as well. I’m just that kinda guy.

I know it was my previous world, but it’s cool to see Jack when he was 2. I think Tony looks just like him. Maybe it’s time for you to dust off the old beta max tapes and take a sojourn down memory lane.

I walked into a house today that I haven’t been in for years. It was like nothing had changed. Same decorations, a pug that always needs attention, and the smell of baking.

I had Jack last night, and since he had no school today, he stayed the night. His aunt, on his mom’s side, always has all the cousins, nieces, and nephews in, a few days before Christmas, and makes decorations or treats. This morning was that day. I took him over and talked to her for a few minutes. Her daughter’s pregnant, the one I saw dance about 10 years ago as a “tweenager”. As I stood there, Jack’s cousins came up. One, now about to start driving, I held just hours after he was born. It’s a great tradition that, even though her daughter and son are no longer participating, she continues with the rest of the children.

As I drove away, I remembered a post over at Freaked-out-fathers. He was talking about “non-custodial” parents and traditions. I think that it is important to start your own in your new home as a non-custodial parent, but you also need to respect the traditions already in place. Many times, over the last few years, I could have thrown the “It’s my time” card and not allowed Jack to go to one tradition or other, but they are important to him. I also know that now, with Tony, times will arise when there will be a clash of scheduling in family events, and it’s important that I have shown flexibility thus far.

So, if you have no plans, and the bio-parent has something family oriented to do, try to be reasonable. Your child needs family time on both sides of the divorce line.

We have started a ginger bread house tradition and go to an annual “Festival of Lights” at the local botanical garden. It’s things that are very us, and Jack is an integral part of it.

Since the beginning of time, kids tune into which parent plays what roles and prey on that. Who will say yes to ice cream? Who will say yes to a sleep over? Who will say yes to a week in Amsterdam at an opium din? It happens. I did it. I watched my sister do it. It was different for each. I could do no wrong in my Mom’s eyes…not that I ever did. My sister is my Dad’s child.
(more…)

This is something that Sarah and I have talked about. Rather or not there should be a time limit of some type on marriages. Well, this Bavarian politician thinks there should be.

“The basic approach is wrong … many marriages last just because people believe they are safe,” she told reporters. “My suggestion is that marriages expire after seven years.”

What do you think? Come on…speak up.

Tonight’s episode hit close to home. It was a single dad with 4 children. He got a divorce 2 years ago, and we don’t know that back story. The youngest is 3. He has 3 girls. The oldest is around 9. They live in Alaska. That’s the picture.
He was having lots of issues with the kids. They were out of hand. The house was a mess. He was almost a shell of a man. The kids just ran over him. I then started realizing that he had given up. The divorce had somehow turned him off. He was sleeping on the floor in his son’s room. His bedroom was a junk room. he said he did that because he was “afraid to be alone”. The separation really turned him off. He didn’t know how to function.
I have seen it in other people. I saw it in me. I had to be ok being by myself. I had to become ok with me. I can’t imagine doing that with 4 young children. It seems that the oldest girl was taking the absence of her mom out on the dad. I wouldn’t know how to deal with that, and find myself.
It really seemed that the advice revolved around him finding his footing. He couldn’t do anything with his relationship with his children until then, especially his oldest. That’s what I found. Fix yourself. Be happy in your own skin.

Wow…So, tonight’s Super Nanny hit me hard. The mom had 2 older boys from a previous relationship, and 3 more together. The parents never should have had more children. They said they started having major issues just months after they moved in together. They never talked to each other, only blamed each other for downfalls that they both had a hand in. Why would you start a family under those circumstances. She had actually filed for divorce 6 months before the taping of the show. Children deserve more. The older children, especially the eldest, caught the brunt of dad’s frustration. The dad was always on this boys case, about nothing. The dad blamed the boy for their failing to connect. This poor nine year old shouldered an unbelievable amount of pressure. The boy actually said they were on this show to save his parents marriage. No child should ever have to say something like that.

Again, I’m going to need you to be the adult. Have your shit together when you decide to have a family. When things come up, deal with them. They seemed to harbour all this crap from the past…and project it onto your children. It like if mom did something 5 years ago, dad put it in a mental file and took it out on the family. OR, he would exclude himself from the family while there, almost in a show of resentment towards her. Get off the cross!

Sarah and I aren’t perfect. We have our moments. We have had some pretty big arguments. But, we deal with it, learn from it, and leave it behind. If we do bring it back up, it’s to laugh about how stupid we were.

AND, I really believe that if you are so unhappy…so defeated…get the divorce. Stay involved in the children’s life, but give them a happier world to live in. I can’t speak for my ex-wife, but I know Jack has a much better example of a loving family than he would if we had stayed together. YES DIVORCE SUCKS! It took me at least a year to go though all the stages I needed to in order to become Bryan again. Some take longer. However, now, I am the father I wanted to be for him and Tony.No I am not “full-time” dad…and that also sucks, but I am a better role model now than Jack would have had otherwise.

Also, 6 months of the divorce, just hanging there, stagnant. She had filed it, and it was just a wedge. If you get to the point of divorce, it’s not a bargaining tool. It’s not a threat. It’s a legal declaration of separation. Shit or get off the pot. I didn’t file for divorce until the ex- and I said “done”, then the proceedings happened.

So, in closing. Be the adult. Have your world in order. Make sure you are comfortable in your own skin. If you aren’t, your children will suffer.

Last year, my son went through a really hard period with spelling homework. Never with myself or Sarah, by he would, for lack of a better phrase, attack his mom. It was hard to listen to him over the phone throwing these tantrums. A couple times, I went up to get him, which really was not either one of us wanted to happen.

It got better and seemed to go away as school continued. His grades got better and he settled into a nice groove. It was, however, very frightening. What if it continued, what to do? My ex thought it might be medical. I thought possible family therapy. It never came to that.

I guess, I grew up before the “huggy, feel good therapy” 80’s or “mood altering prescription drug” 90’s. It’s hard to grasp anything more than discipline being the answer to behavior problems. I had, however, accepted these other avenues as options. I have no way of helping out when he’s not here. I can’t do anything, so I guess I hoped family therapy or medical help would fill in where I couldn’t. I talked to his teacher, hoping I could impress on her what I needed someone to know. I wanted to help, but had no idea how too. The behavior never surfaced here. My hands are tied with things that happen there but not here.

So, his spelling grades are not in the passing range for the first 3 weeks. We did homework last night, and he scored an 85 on a mock spelling test. He stayed realitivly focused. Great.

I get a call at 5:00 telling me not to come to football practice because he had failed some papers today because he didn’t do the back of the page, and he had to set in the “yellow corner” in class. He socred a 65 on the mock test at her house. I could hear him shouting in the background…it froze me all over again..

What do you do with an anniversary deferred? Ok, so Langston was alittle more poetic than I am…just alittle. My first marriage was August 12, 1995. I hate that sentence…”my first marriage”. It sounds like I’m revving up for 12 more. I was married for 9 years. Marriage is something I do not take lightly.

I really don’t know what to write. I wanted to share some tips…some anecdotes…but I don’t know where to start. I don’t hate my ex. We don’t hang out, unless Jack is involved. I have more of an indifference, again, unless Jack is involved. We simply became 2 people who could not see eye to eye on many varying issues.

So, here are 2 points of wisdom gleamed from my previous marriage.

The first. When deciding to get married, marry the person you don’t fell you HAVE to marry. After the divorce, I had to find myself. I had turned into someone I didn’t know. It took me about a year. I went to a psychiatrist, balled up at my house, cried alot, lashed out in a hateful manner, and finally, came through with me. I realized I am complete. I am great being Bryan. So, when I wasn’t looking, along came an amazing woman, who was also complete in herself. She didn’t have pieces missing in her life. Simply put, we compliment each other. I’m her Cranberry Sauce. You have have a perfectly good Thanksgiving Dinner without it, but it adds so much. So, we got married…not out of necessity, but out of want.

Ok, number two. Don’t hold it in. It will overwhelm you and you will get to the point of non reconciliation. Let me start by saying my ex-wife and I are so much better apart. Jack is better for it as well. Having said that, there were things that, when they finally came up…during the pre divorce talks…it is too late to do anything. I felt like I was dropping bombs. Things that, while I thought should have been self evident…were not. I laid waste. Don’t let that happen. Talk about the small thing, as well as large, before they get out of control. Sarah and I are great about this. I may be overly sensitive to this, but we know each other like I never thought we could. So, talk. If it just gets on your nerves, or really is a point of contingency, talk about it. Not in an accusatory, you suck, way, but talk.

Yes, there are other lessons I learned, but these are the two I always feel like yelling at people I see going down the same path I went down.

We are newlyweds…I guess. October 14. We lived in sin for about a year before that. Still, sometimes hearing the self proclaimed lifetime bachelorette/never having children Sarah say certain things catches me off guard.

“Bad dog, we don’t eat Power Rangers.”

It’s strange, the duality that is my house. Jack’s room stays shut most of the time, to keep down on the power bill. Then, every two weekends, we become a house with a kid. This weekend, our pointer ate 2 pirates, a cannon, and a power ranger. We started a science experiment to see whose mouth would grow more bacteria, Jack’s, the dog’s, or the cat’s. Our female cat was not keen on this and snapped the q-tip in half we were using for sampling her cheek.

So, every two weekends also becomes a strange new world for Sarah. I know sometimes a seven year old can be very…different to be around. His energy is manic and he feels the need to be the center of attention. So it’s not always easy for Step-mom Sarah. Especially we we loose a hero like the blue ranger. She does an amazing job though. I am impressed with her instinct and parenting skills. This baby will have an amazing mom.

Another wednesday. Some people see it as half way through the week. Some as church night. To most, it’s not very remarkable. To me, it is the best and worst day of the week, every week.

It’s the day I have my son. I look forward to it.

Around 10:00 a.m. every wednesday, I get a text message from bio mom confirming the pick up time.

“3ish” is almost always the answer.

Everyone at work knows I leave at about 2:30 to go pick him up. I hate when anything delays me. I try to be at his house at 3.

3:30 we are back at my house, and have caught up with what the day had been. We talk about what we want to do. I check in with Sarah about her schedule. We figure out dinner.

We then do…something. Games, ride bikes, homework, go to the movies…but whatever it is, 7:00 is the ending time. Then back to bio mom’s house. No matter how hard we hard we play, or much we laugh, or how far we go, it is bookended.

Usually, the 3 if us drive him home. It helps to have Sarah on the ride home. Tonight i didn’t. I miss him. The car seems so quite after having his laugh fill it.

There it is, my favorite and least favorite day. This is my weekend with him, so that’s something. Those wednesdays without the upcoming weekend with him are heightened on both ends of the spectrum.