Sympathy Pain

Our DVD player broke. At first I was pissed. I had to plug in my son’s “Spongebob” dvd player in order to watch “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer.” I couldn’t figure out how to make it stop throwing up Spanish translations of any signs in the movie…It was just weird.

But then, I realized I could get a dvd recorder/vcr combo. I had wanted one for a while, but couldn’t justify the purchase. But now…can we say passive aggressive?

So, before the old DVD was cold from its demise, I was at Best Buy.

Sarah is at book club, and the binja is asleep, so I’ve been copying old home movies over. I’ve found jack’s first basketball tournament. He couldn’t get the ball to the goal. It was awesome. They won the chamionship that year, too.

I also found a tape Jack, Sarah, and I did about the time I moved in with Sarah. We played interview. We laughed alot…especially when jack passed some butt thunder on camera.

Now I’m watching a movie from his 2nd birthday. That seems like another life. All his bi-gillion cousins from bio-mom’s side. All of them like I remember…young. Jack like I don’t remember him…little. It’s just insane. I haven’t watched these…probably since they were made. And, yes, I’m making a copy for his mom as well. I’m just that kinda guy.

I know it was my previous world, but it’s cool to see Jack when he was 2. I think Tony looks just like him. Maybe it’s time for you to dust off the old beta max tapes and take a sojourn down memory lane.

I walked into a house today that I haven’t been in for years. It was like nothing had changed. Same decorations, a pug that always needs attention, and the smell of baking.

I had Jack last night, and since he had no school today, he stayed the night. His aunt, on his mom’s side, always has all the cousins, nieces, and nephews in, a few days before Christmas, and makes decorations or treats. This morning was that day. I took him over and talked to her for a few minutes. Her daughter’s pregnant, the one I saw dance about 10 years ago as a “tweenager”. As I stood there, Jack’s cousins came up. One, now about to start driving, I held just hours after he was born. It’s a great tradition that, even though her daughter and son are no longer participating, she continues with the rest of the children.

As I drove away, I remembered a post over at Freaked-out-fathers. He was talking about “non-custodial” parents and traditions. I think that it is important to start your own in your new home as a non-custodial parent, but you also need to respect the traditions already in place. Many times, over the last few years, I could have thrown the “It’s my time” card and not allowed Jack to go to one tradition or other, but they are important to him. I also know that now, with Tony, times will arise when there will be a clash of scheduling in family events, and it’s important that I have shown flexibility thus far.

So, if you have no plans, and the bio-parent has something family oriented to do, try to be reasonable. Your child needs family time on both sides of the divorce line.

We have started a ginger bread house tradition and go to an annual “Festival of Lights” at the local botanical garden. It’s things that are very us, and Jack is an integral part of it.

Since the beginning of time, kids tune into which parent plays what roles and prey on that. Who will say yes to ice cream? Who will say yes to a sleep over? Who will say yes to a week in Amsterdam at an opium din? It happens. I did it. I watched my sister do it. It was different for each. I could do no wrong in my Mom’s eyes…not that I ever did. My sister is my Dad’s child.
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This is something that Sarah and I have talked about. Rather or not there should be a time limit of some type on marriages. Well, this Bavarian politician thinks there should be.

“The basic approach is wrong … many marriages last just because people believe they are safe,” she told reporters. “My suggestion is that marriages expire after seven years.”

What do you think? Come on…speak up.

Tonight’s episode hit close to home. It was a single dad with 4 children. He got a divorce 2 years ago, and we don’t know that back story. The youngest is 3. He has 3 girls. The oldest is around 9. They live in Alaska. That’s the picture.
He was having lots of issues with the kids. They were out of hand. The house was a mess. He was almost a shell of a man. The kids just ran over him. I then started realizing that he had given up. The divorce had somehow turned him off. He was sleeping on the floor in his son’s room. His bedroom was a junk room. he said he did that because he was “afraid to be alone”. The separation really turned him off. He didn’t know how to function.
I have seen it in other people. I saw it in me. I had to be ok being by myself. I had to become ok with me. I can’t imagine doing that with 4 young children. It seems that the oldest girl was taking the absence of her mom out on the dad. I wouldn’t know how to deal with that, and find myself.
It really seemed that the advice revolved around him finding his footing. He couldn’t do anything with his relationship with his children until then, especially his oldest. That’s what I found. Fix yourself. Be happy in your own skin.

Wow…So, tonight’s Super Nanny hit me hard. The mom had 2 older boys from a previous relationship, and 3 more together. The parents never should have had more children. They said they started having major issues just months after they moved in together. They never talked to each other, only blamed each other for downfalls that they both had a hand in. Why would you start a family under those circumstances. She had actually filed for divorce 6 months before the taping of the show. Children deserve more. The older children, especially the eldest, caught the brunt of dad’s frustration. The dad was always on this boys case, about nothing. The dad blamed the boy for their failing to connect. This poor nine year old shouldered an unbelievable amount of pressure. The boy actually said they were on this show to save his parents marriage. No child should ever have to say something like that.

Again, I’m going to need you to be the adult. Have your shit together when you decide to have a family. When things come up, deal with them. They seemed to harbour all this crap from the past…and project it onto your children. It like if mom did something 5 years ago, dad put it in a mental file and took it out on the family. OR, he would exclude himself from the family while there, almost in a show of resentment towards her. Get off the cross!

Sarah and I aren’t perfect. We have our moments. We have had some pretty big arguments. But, we deal with it, learn from it, and leave it behind. If we do bring it back up, it’s to laugh about how stupid we were.

AND, I really believe that if you are so unhappy…so defeated…get the divorce. Stay involved in the children’s life, but give them a happier world to live in. I can’t speak for my ex-wife, but I know Jack has a much better example of a loving family than he would if we had stayed together. YES DIVORCE SUCKS! It took me at least a year to go though all the stages I needed to in order to become Bryan again. Some take longer. However, now, I am the father I wanted to be for him and Tony.No I am not “full-time” dad…and that also sucks, but I am a better role model now than Jack would have had otherwise.

Also, 6 months of the divorce, just hanging there, stagnant. She had filed it, and it was just a wedge. If you get to the point of divorce, it’s not a bargaining tool. It’s not a threat. It’s a legal declaration of separation. Shit or get off the pot. I didn’t file for divorce until the ex- and I said “done”, then the proceedings happened.

So, in closing. Be the adult. Have your world in order. Make sure you are comfortable in your own skin. If you aren’t, your children will suffer.

Last year, my son went through a really hard period with spelling homework. Never with myself or Sarah, by he would, for lack of a better phrase, attack his mom. It was hard to listen to him over the phone throwing these tantrums. A couple times, I went up to get him, which really was not either one of us wanted to happen.

It got better and seemed to go away as school continued. His grades got better and he settled into a nice groove. It was, however, very frightening. What if it continued, what to do? My ex thought it might be medical. I thought possible family therapy. It never came to that.

I guess, I grew up before the “huggy, feel good therapy” 80’s or “mood altering prescription drug” 90’s. It’s hard to grasp anything more than discipline being the answer to behavior problems. I had, however, accepted these other avenues as options. I have no way of helping out when he’s not here. I can’t do anything, so I guess I hoped family therapy or medical help would fill in where I couldn’t. I talked to his teacher, hoping I could impress on her what I needed someone to know. I wanted to help, but had no idea how too. The behavior never surfaced here. My hands are tied with things that happen there but not here.

So, his spelling grades are not in the passing range for the first 3 weeks. We did homework last night, and he scored an 85 on a mock spelling test. He stayed realitivly focused. Great.

I get a call at 5:00 telling me not to come to football practice because he had failed some papers today because he didn’t do the back of the page, and he had to set in the “yellow corner” in class. He socred a 65 on the mock test at her house. I could hear him shouting in the background…it froze me all over again..

What do you do with an anniversary deferred? Ok, so Langston was alittle more poetic than I am…just alittle. My first marriage was August 12, 1995. I hate that sentence…”my first marriage”. It sounds like I’m revving up for 12 more. I was married for 9 years. Marriage is something I do not take lightly.

I really don’t know what to write. I wanted to share some tips…some anecdotes…but I don’t know where to start. I don’t hate my ex. We don’t hang out, unless Jack is involved. I have more of an indifference, again, unless Jack is involved. We simply became 2 people who could not see eye to eye on many varying issues.

So, here are 2 points of wisdom gleamed from my previous marriage.

The first. When deciding to get married, marry the person you don’t fell you HAVE to marry. After the divorce, I had to find myself. I had turned into someone I didn’t know. It took me about a year. I went to a psychiatrist, balled up at my house, cried alot, lashed out in a hateful manner, and finally, came through with me. I realized I am complete. I am great being Bryan. So, when I wasn’t looking, along came an amazing woman, who was also complete in herself. She didn’t have pieces missing in her life. Simply put, we compliment each other. I’m her Cranberry Sauce. You have have a perfectly good Thanksgiving Dinner without it, but it adds so much. So, we got married…not out of necessity, but out of want.

Ok, number two. Don’t hold it in. It will overwhelm you and you will get to the point of non reconciliation. Let me start by saying my ex-wife and I are so much better apart. Jack is better for it as well. Having said that, there were things that, when they finally came up…during the pre divorce talks…it is too late to do anything. I felt like I was dropping bombs. Things that, while I thought should have been self evident…were not. I laid waste. Don’t let that happen. Talk about the small thing, as well as large, before they get out of control. Sarah and I are great about this. I may be overly sensitive to this, but we know each other like I never thought we could. So, talk. If it just gets on your nerves, or really is a point of contingency, talk about it. Not in an accusatory, you suck, way, but talk.

Yes, there are other lessons I learned, but these are the two I always feel like yelling at people I see going down the same path I went down.

We are newlyweds…I guess. October 14. We lived in sin for about a year before that. Still, sometimes hearing the self proclaimed lifetime bachelorette/never having children Sarah say certain things catches me off guard.

“Bad dog, we don’t eat Power Rangers.”

It’s strange, the duality that is my house. Jack’s room stays shut most of the time, to keep down on the power bill. Then, every two weekends, we become a house with a kid. This weekend, our pointer ate 2 pirates, a cannon, and a power ranger. We started a science experiment to see whose mouth would grow more bacteria, Jack’s, the dog’s, or the cat’s. Our female cat was not keen on this and snapped the q-tip in half we were using for sampling her cheek.

So, every two weekends also becomes a strange new world for Sarah. I know sometimes a seven year old can be very…different to be around. His energy is manic and he feels the need to be the center of attention. So it’s not always easy for Step-mom Sarah. Especially we we loose a hero like the blue ranger. She does an amazing job though. I am impressed with her instinct and parenting skills. This baby will have an amazing mom.

Another wednesday. Some people see it as half way through the week. Some as church night. To most, it’s not very remarkable. To me, it is the best and worst day of the week, every week.

It’s the day I have my son. I look forward to it.

Around 10:00 a.m. every wednesday, I get a text message from bio mom confirming the pick up time.

“3ish” is almost always the answer.

Everyone at work knows I leave at about 2:30 to go pick him up. I hate when anything delays me. I try to be at his house at 3.

3:30 we are back at my house, and have caught up with what the day had been. We talk about what we want to do. I check in with Sarah about her schedule. We figure out dinner.

We then do…something. Games, ride bikes, homework, go to the movies…but whatever it is, 7:00 is the ending time. Then back to bio mom’s house. No matter how hard we hard we play, or much we laugh, or how far we go, it is bookended.

Usually, the 3 if us drive him home. It helps to have Sarah on the ride home. Tonight i didn’t. I miss him. The car seems so quite after having his laugh fill it.

There it is, my favorite and least favorite day. This is my weekend with him, so that’s something. Those wednesdays without the upcoming weekend with him are heightened on both ends of the spectrum.

Jack turned seven over the weekend. I called bio-mom a few weeks back to plan the party. I realize that we have it pretty good. She and I still talk, mostly about Jack, but sometimes we venture into family or old friends. We were married and involved in each other’s families for 9 years. I know that some people let there marriages/divorce get to the point that there must be a mediator involved to drop the kids off for visitation. I’m lucky.

I would not even think about talking to her if it wasn’t for Jack. Not that I hate her…just different outlooks and personalities.

So anyway, we had a bowling party. My wife and I were there right beside bio-mom. We all worked well together. No body slapped anyone else. There was laughter. Jack had a blast. That’s really all that mattered.

I’m not naive to think that everyone can get along with the ex-. I know every story is different. However, please make the attempt. Put aside all the history and hurt feelings and remember, it’s all about your child. You’re divorced. Stop caring what they are up to. Stop trying to get info out of your child. Don’t let your anger get in the way of your child seeing the two of you interact as adults. It’s important in this world were 50% of marriages end up in divorce. Show them how adults act in the face of emotional baggage.