Apples to apples…but not.
“You should be a pro, you’ve already got one.”
“This is old hat for you.”
I was holding Tony last night thinking just how different this is from my first child, Jack. Yes they both peed, pooped, and cried, as Jack says, but the difference in everything else is pretty staggering.
They bath are pretty laid back…knock on wood, and happy, but the likeness ends there. Even though I was home far more with Jack, I connected with Tony earlier. It may have to do with having no expectations with Tony. With Jack, the marriage was strained. We had wanted a child, and tried before him, but I think I was hoping he’d also help patch up the unfix-able. So when the ex-would come home from work and crawl into her bed, leaving me with Jack, I resented it…and him. I loved him…no doubt…but I didn’t bond with him and just fall in love until later. Tony was much easier. Again, I had no expectations. We are pretty sickeningly in love, so tony is like a bonus.
I remember being tense and easily rattled with Jack. Yes, I was inexperienced, but I think I was also a darker person. I don’t feel that with Tony. Even when he’s screaming in my face, I have this calmness that helps me through. It also helps him that I’m not worked up. There were times when Jack could make me need to walk away. Now Tony’s young…so maybe…
I guess I’m writing this to say; make sure your house is in order before having a child. As a man and father, you are already at a disadvantage. We aren’t wired to be parents. We don’t have hormones and chemicals that kick in to help the bond. So don’t think a child will be easy, especially if you are not happy with your life. Don’t bring a child into that. As a good friend says…”get your own shit right.”
Now, here’s the Catch 22… I would do it all again if Jack is the result. I would go through the unhappiness and disappointment all over again to have my son. He is amazing…and owns my heart. He’s me…at that age…crazy and all. His mother and I were not good for each other…but we made a pretty awesome kid.
Bryan’s parting thoughts…
Children are not a band aid for relationships. They are not a way to get more back from the man. They are not a way to get out of work. They are a blessing and a challenge. Be as ready for that as you can be. But even if things are 100% perfect, you can still bond and love your child. It just doesn’t come as easily…but it still can be awesome.
February 13th, 2008 at 1:06 am
That is a great post, Bryan. You’ve identified both the challenges for men as parents but also the joys.
And both our oldest sons are named Jack! Way to go!