Sympathy Pain

So, I am off the Lexapro now. I had been taking it, on and off, since the divorce…mostly on. 10 mg a day. I was taking it for anxiety. It also seemed to help my brain fire more effiecently.

Weel, I’m off. Not because the doctor dropped it, but because I don’t have extra money laying around for another 30 day supply.

Withdrawals? Yep, I got ‘em. Mostly the whole brain not functioning as clearly. Awesome stuff. I hope that is a withdrawal symptom and not the way my brain works, period. It’s mostly names and words I can’t recall. Which sucks for a salesperson.

“So…uh…mr….um…dude, your church needs a…um…an…thing…don’t tell me…”

I also am a little more emotional. “So you think you can dance” makes me cry. Now, granted, I’m also tired and working a couple jobs, but I think some of the edge would have been taken away by the Pro.

And, I am having a tendency to read things into a situation. I pissed Sarah off a few days ago. It was one of those moments where I felt I needed to say what I was thinking, even though she was going to be mad. I even set up the moment with a warning…that really doesn’t help by the way. So, for the next 3 days, I apologized profusely, and anytime she didn’t answer a text or an email…which she has a tendency to do anyway…I expected the worse. Irrational, I know, and I knew it in the moment as well…but I couldn’t help it.

So, I’m here. 3 weeks from my last fix. Having money issues and not sleeping enough or eating right.

Yeah for Sarah!!! She’s so lucky.

I hate money…I think I may have started a post this way before.

We pooled our resources last week and got our mortgage paid up to next month. Yipee! Now, while we had that money in our bank account, waiting for the Alabama housing folks to grab it out, we thought we had a few bucks to get gas…buy cleaning wipes…grab breakfast at McDonalds…so on. I mean, when your bank account has more than 3 digits in it, you get excited now days.

We were wrong. So suddenly that $5.00 box of wipes cost us $35.00. That $3.37 McMuffin cost us $33.37…and it wasn’t even that good.

Not only did the few little things cost us so much more because of ever fees…they are now eating into this week’s paycheck by leaps and bounds.

“This month’s insurance hasn’t come out yet” Sarah informed me upon closer examination of our account….so more money coming out of a negative account…awesome.

Let’s see…things to help us out.

No non necessary purchases…check

Cutting our eating out to almost nothing…check

Not going to or renting a moving in….ever…check

2^nd job…check and check

Here is out issue in a nut shell…NSF charges have taken the GNP for a small nation out of our account this year. I’m grateful that they cover our lack of money tracking ability, but DAMN!!! 30 bucks on a $3.37 purchase? AND, at one point I entered a check for a couple thousand…yes…and they held it for 4 days….and we had things clear and cause that to dwindle in NSF charges. When I checked, they had the funds confirmed on the 2^nd day, but their policy allowed them to hold it out of our account for up to 5 days…bastards. AND, why don”t they allow the little things to clear before the large on a daily basis. If, for example, I have a $2000 in the bank and a $1999.99 check hits the same day as 7 McMuffins… I was hungry…let the seven clear first. Instead of collecting 7 NSF charges, let me get hit by 1 for the big check.

So, anyway. We are overdrawn…our fault. We may be after my paycheck this week because of CRAZY fees from the bank…their fault. We are not default on anything, or having collectors at our door, but it sucks a lot.

And it sucks.

I use to beg my grandfather, pawpaw, to take me fishing. We’d head out in his 64 Chevy truck, down to the walker county public lake. Nice and early. We might not catch anything all day. If we did, it was catch and release.
That dwinidled off as I became a tween and stopped when I was a teenager.
I attended a college about 90 minutes away from him, and meant to take him fishing one day. He passed away in ‘93.
Last week, jack told me he wanted to go fishing. I have no gear. I haven’t been fishing in years. But, I looked down at a freckled version of me, and it all came back.
We used his rods. He has them from his house. I got a fishing lincence and scoped out a place a few miles from the house. Bright and early Saturday morning, we headed out.
“if it was easy, they’d call it catching, not fishing” My pawpaw said through me to the great grandson he never met.
Jack caught 4… Me 1.

Sarah took a second job. I hate it.

“It’s not like you don’t take odd jobs to help out…” she says.

My “odd jobs” are theatre related. It’s my addiction. Now, it’s also what I have a degree in and 20 years of experience in…but it’s still a glorified hobby. I also get to learn things that will help me in my day job.

I hate that it takes time away from the family.

“Well…it’s like rehearsal, but I get paid.” She had to drop out of a show that her sister and best friend is in because of this job. It’s a show with a great cast and will be tons of fun, but she had to give it up…for financial reasons…belch.

“I love their clothes, and I get to play dress up all day with customers…” I guess that does mean less time playing dress up with me and Tony. She’s working at Anne Taylor Loft. She loves the clothes there and will get a good discount. I guess those are bonuses.

I guess I just really want her to know how much I appreciate what she is doing. I also understand the sacrifices she is making in order to help our situation. Just so you know, we are not destitute or homeless, but we have been behind on bills for a while and tired of the phone calls. This job and some of the little stuff I’m doing is an attempt to get ahead. I just hate that it has gotten to this point.

Thank you, Sarah…I love you.

Tony is going to get a new AFO fitted Wednesday. Sarah took him to the ortho last week. They took x-rays and examined him.

“Can he run?” the doctor asked as Tony was climbing and running all over the place. I guess that’s a good sign.

His x-rays showed some straightening of the bone, but with his recent growth spurts, we are seeing more length difference now. He’s also figured out that he can walk on his tip toe on the good leg and not bend his knee on the lucky leg to walk. Makes him look like Peter Boyle from Young Frankenstein.

“Your biggest job,” he told Sarah, “is convincing everyone else you are doing the right thing. Everyone wants immediate action…surgery, casting, etc…but we are on the right path for him. The new AFO will be smaller than the first, just to keep him from rolling over on his ankle. We will have to get shoes with lifts for that leg. It will soon have to be an external lift once the discrepancy gets more pronounced. But we are on the right path.”

The “External Lift” does make me nervous. The doc says the new ones are really well made and help disguise the fact that they are lifts. I just have the image of…Peter Boyle again…and his big clodhoppers.

But, Tony is otherwise healthy and very happy (now that his molars have come in). So we are very blessed. I feel like I have to put that caveat on every post I write about his leg. I just don’t look forward to everything he is going to have to go through and put up with in order to wait until the right time to fix it…then who knows what long lasting issues he might have after the surgery…but he otherwise healthy.

This is one of Sarah’s favorite movies. Jack has also wathed it a number of times…

Peace…please…

Everytime Tony gets near the toilet, I think of this clip.

“I’m going to start the P90X when I get the DVD’s in.” My lovely wife told me. These announcements usually go with little enthusiasm from me. I don’t do formal exercising. I got spoiled years ago when I had a more active professional life as a stagehand. You don’t sit still for long when running big shows. So I didn’t need to exercise to stay under 185 pounds. Now…205 is the new 185.

“I should do that with you.”

Chirp…chirp.

“Ok…that would be great.” Another lack of enthusiasm. She got me a membership to Riviera Fitness…I went 3 times. She got me a bike…I haven’t rid it more than a few times since we bought the house a year ago. To say I am not an exercise fanatic is an understatement.

So, I was determined. I was going to see this through. I started looking into it.

90 days…ok. Consecutively? Yes…damn, I was hoping for a loop hole.

Extreme program…hmm…you actually are supposed to take a health test to see if you are in shape enough to proceed. The test almost wiped me out, but I passed.

So it has been 4 days…5 if you count the test…which I do. I actually am enjoying it. It’s freakin hard. My thighs are killing me. But, I’m doing better than I thought I would I’m not doing everything at 100%…or even 50%, but I am trying. AND I have stayed with this longer than any other actual exercise program…5 days!

As far as doing it together…we are doing them at different times. Our schedules make that necessary. Some of the workouts are an hour long, and with a kids and work, it’s really hard to set that chuck aside to both be here and ready to sweet…and the fact that watching each other struggle isn’t as hot as it may sound. We tried the “Ab Shredder” together…we laughed a lot, at ourselves and each other, but we probably won’t do them together much. (and Sarah farted)

So, I’m going to keep it up. I need to. Jaunting up a single flight of stairs was starting to wind me. Racquet ball with jack was actually starting to look like jack was playing Chet from weird science…after he was turned into a shit pile.

Wish us luck. I’ll keep you informed.

This weekend, although being a great weekend, sucked.

It was the forth, and we had back yard inflatable fun at our friends house with a lot of folks with kids. There was good food and camaraderie to be had. Jack bounced and slid until he was red in the face and panting. I ate until I was red in the face and panting. We are very blessed to be surrounded by other great parents…although they are not as great as we…of course.

Jack and I played racquet ball and threw the football around for hours. The family also went swimming, again with friends. We had a very full and fun weekend.

Except for Tony. He was not 100%…or even 50% for most of the weekend. He would wake up from very lethargic and tremoring. His bed would be soaked in sweat, but no fever. He literally sat in Sarah’s lap for over an hour at one point, just watch TV and reading. Our son never sits still. It was very worrisome. Last night, he didn’t go for more than an hour without waking up crying. It sucked.

He went to the doctor today. Ulcers in his mouth, tonsils swollen, but nothing they can actually treat. No fever. Fluids are clear. (He’ll have an infection by week’s end…)So they sent them home. Benadryl and Tylenol.

I hate not being able to do something for him. It breaks my heart. He really isn’t a crier, so hearing him wake up crying in pain just rips me open…after the initial “Shit, not again…your turn.” reaction.

Also, Sarah threw him off a chair at the doctor’s office and tried to break his nose…but that’s her cross to bear and story to tell. Blood everywhere…

There are a lot of things that suck about being a part time dad. Not having him here all the time. Going half days on holidays and birthdays. The big stuff that you think about when seperated parents come to mind. But lately I’ve been thinking about the little things. Hair cuts. Belly aches at 2:00 am. Coming home wet from playing at a friends. Watching “wipeout” live instead of on TiVo. These are the little life events that you miss when your a part timer.
But, on the flip side, I’m sitting here listening to my 3 favorite people in the world laugh and play. Sarah, Jack, and Tony. There is no black cloud hanging over us. No hidden anger or pain just under the suface. Just love and good times. And as much as I may miss the little events of jack’s life, the fact that when we are together their is geniune happiness helps balance it out quite nicely.I really hope that as he grows and becomes a man, he sees the benifits of a healthy and happy home. I want him to recoginize the love Sarah and I have. That’s the kind of blueprint I want him to strive for when he starts his family.

I love going out on dates with my wife…mostly because she’s a trophy wife. I always feel like people can’t believe this old bald guy is out with the fine piece of ass beautiful young woman. It does my geriatric heart good. And, we have fun. We date well.

But, damn it is hard to make it happen. I have friends with kids that seem to be out all the time. I have no idea how they do it…sans kids.

Now, honestly, I was never a social butterfly. I worked all these amazing professional shows in Atlanta and maybe went to 2 opening nights in 7 years. One of them was a Disney show, so I hung out with Tim Rice and Elton John…ok, we were in the same room. But that really was it. I never felt the need to go out all the time.

My wife, on the other hand, has had a harder time assimilating to married with children. So we try, between work and our own obligations, to date.

But once we threw in a toddler, the dating has definitely slowed down…and the economic down turn…don’t get me started.

But tonight, after asking people all over north Alabama, we have a Baby Sitter. Now, this happens to be the best babysitting team ever…Sarah’s folks. So Sarah and I get to go see a local production of “Sweeny Todd” with a great cast and crew while the grand folks get to listen to Tony snore. Sounds like an even trade.

I hope they know how much we appreciate it.

Holy crap, y’all. I was not ready for this. I realize anytime I drop Tony off at day care, he may explode into tears. And ANYTIME Sarah does, he goes into hysterics, but this utterly floored me like being hit by a cow…with big utters…wait for the mental image…BAM!

Sarh had a show Sunday evening. Fabulous production of “The Merry Wives of Windsor”. She’s all grown up and doing Shakespeare. Anyway, it was a Jack weekend, so I took him home. Tony went with me, because of the afore mentioned obligations the talented Sarah Brown had.

We drove the 30 minutes without incident; sing songs and swapping tales of our opossum killing dog. Then, as we rounded the corner and Jack’s other house was in sight, Tony went nuts. He started screaming and reaching for his brother. Jack didn’t know how to act. It was heart breaking.

Tony cried for about 15 minutes after we dropped Jack off…I just said jack off…until I started sing “twinkle, twinkle”…over and over…He cheered up and the rest of the evening was realitivly normal.

Then, as I came in the house from work yesterday, I hear the following:

“Who is that…Is that daddy?” Sarah asked.

“Jack?”

“No it’s daddy…”

“”Jack? Jack?”

He was disappointed that it was me when he came around the corner. He looked up at me and pointed to the door behind me…”Jack?”

For real…I was not expecting this. I tried to find info online, but everything is based on a traditional sitting…older brother goes to school and younger brother is upset, but sees him in a few hours. Ours is different, but I can’t imagine unique.

What do I do? How do I make Tony understand what’s happening, or can I?

family 060

Originally uploaded by Bryan Comer

Jack and I took at trip to the Space and Rocket center here in Huntsville Al. I played hookey. It was awesome…until I had to go to work anyway.
But we really had a good time. I remember going to the center when I was in 9th grade with the folks. Little did I know I would live in Huntsville one day.

I travel some…mostly in the state of Alabama, but sometimes outside our quaint little backwater state. I see lots of folks, and eat at lots of places. I try very hard not to eat at chain restaurants when I’m out and about. I always like to ask the locals what spots to eat at and which to avoid.

Yesterday I was in Trussville, AL at training. A fellow from Baltimore was showing off his lights made in Yonkers NY. After the training we all went to lunch. The guy from the area picked the restaurant. “Joel’s”

A quaint little buffet kinda place. It was packed. It was mostly a meat and 3 joint, but I could tell by the crowd it was a local favorite.

Well, we got our food and sit down. The food was really good.

But, that really not why I started this post. As we sit there, I noticed a grandfather and his 2 grandchildren sitting near us. The grandfather looked a little bemused and was trying to get the waitress’s attention.

“I never thought this would happen,” I heard him say.

The little girl, about 6 and read headed, had to go to the rest room. He had to take her, but couldn’t leave the 4 year old boy, also with bright red hair, alone.

“I’ll watch him while you’re gone,” the waitress said. And she did. The place was packed. Other wait staff was all over the place. She stayed right next to that little boy for about 5 minutes. Talking to him. Asking questions. At first, he looked like a deer in head lights. But by the end of the pee break, they were best friends.

It was pretty sweet.

So while she was preoccupied with the little brat, we skipped out on the check and left…stupid southerners.*

*I’m from the south. We didn’t skip out. And no animals were injured in the writing of this blog post…but I ate some chicken fried stake at “Joel’s”…